Don't Be Dumb

For the record, White Coat Guy and I are still very much in love, and very much have plans for forever. 

I just wanted to make that clear to any people reading this that may think otherwise. Some of you out there know both of us, or just one of us. Others of you are clueless as to my identity, or WCG's. 

I do know however that recently some people having been spewing bullshit!

True: He moved to another state. 

False: We split up.

True: We are very much in love.

False: I am announcing to the world that I am single

True: I will be following him shortly.

False: You can do anything about that.

Not that is ever has been or ever will be your business, but we are crazy in love with each other, and always will be! 

This is not some fleeting affair, this is 100% true love. 

The people that actually know us, know that. 

I know that I would go through hell and back for that man, and I know he already has put himself through hell for being in love with me. 

So to those that think you can somehow get between us, bring it. No matter how good you think you are, I promise you I have been through a lot worse than whatever you can throw at me. 

Good Luck.

Getting Past It

A little rant here....

I am so fucking sick of people that hold on to EVERYTHING!

Not only the things that others have done to them, but more the things they have done!

People need to get the fuck over themselves! Marinating in your faults is not going to do anything but destroy you!

We all fuck up, we are humans.

We make choices and have to live with them.

If you can't get past the past you have no future.

Bad shit has happened to me, and I have made choices I now regret, but I am not sitting around saying "Oh I am such a piece of shit." I pushed past it all and am looking ahead.

Your past mistakes shape you, mold you, and teach you. If you are not developing, growing and learning then making them was pointless. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES and see whats in front of you, don't close them cry over whats behind you.

Looking forward is all we have in life. I don't care if it is looking to tomorrow, or ten years from now, LOOK FORWARD!

Dwelling is going to ruin you.

You are not who you were, but who you can become. 

End of rant.

Wake up Mommy

So, today's post will be about my typical morning, today is an awesome example. 

Considering I blog, and coupon, and go on FB a lot, people may assume I am glued to the computer, those people would be wrong.

Let us take a look at my typical morning.

4:45 am - My four year old comes into my room to wake me up, she has had an accident, and needs a bath right away! She happens to be freaking out as if someone has stabbed her through the eyeball with a dull pencil! So I climb my tired butt out of my warm comfy bed into a freezing cold bedroom (whitecoat guy seems to like to sleep in 40 degree air as of late).

4:55 Wash four year old up, change her jammies, and beg her to go back to bed for another two hours. She agrees on the condition that I promise to make pancakes when she gets up again, at this point I would promise her the moon if that's what it took!

5:15 - Four year old finally back asleep (Thank the Gods!) Sadly, I am now awake enough to understand I need a cup of coffee, or I may die!

5:30 - Coffee brewed, cup poured, victory! Wait, that moment was short lived, the mangy mutt has not waited to go outside yet again, and guess what I now have to clean up, fuck my life!

5:35 - Go back in my room, get jealous of White coat guy slumbering peacefully, and snuggle up next to him. 

6:55 - Four year old wakes me up again, oh shit I fell asleep! She tells me she needs a bath, and breakfast. I decide she needs to eat first. White coat guy grumbles and covers his head with the pillow, I know we need to leave the room quickly before he gets pissy. This is not a man you wake up!

7:00- I offer her cereal, pop tarts, yogurt, fruit cup, or toast. She tells me that she doesn't want any of them, Mommy promised pancakes (shit!). I try to explain that I am not alive enough to use a stove, and that we may die. She settles for the temporary fix of a cup of peaches. She argues trying to tell me that it is a cup of apples (which she is allergic to) and thinks I am trying to kill her. I tell her it is peaches, and I would never try to kill her. She doesn't believe me, and lets the deadly food sit.

7:30 - Four year old decides she wants to watch RENT, I tell her it isn't on the DVR anymore, and she bitches at me for twenty minutes about how she needs to sing seasons of love, and that it isn't the same without the cast as her back up, I decide I need to look into buying her the DVD for Christmas, but as much as I love the musical, do I want to hear my little girl singing the full soundtrack over and over, more than I do now?? Where did she come from!?

8:00- Finally distract the little princess with Halloween town movie. Thank you On Demand! Decide it is time to check my email and see how fast I can drink a pot of coffee. 

8:15 - My couponing has begun, I am an old lady. Fuck my life. This is seriously the most exciting part of my day, like I said, fuck my life.

8:55 - My older sister calls me to talk about a money making venture we are working on, we have decisions to make, fuck, I hate making decisions. We make the decisions quickly (phew), then shoot the shit.  I run the little one a bath. 

9:15 - The princess decides while in the bath that she has the flu, I ask her why she thinks this and she tells me it is because she got water in her mouth and up her nose while swimming in the tub! Where does she get this shit? I tell her to stop swimming in the tub because she is scarring me. She tells me I am a wimp!

10:40 - White coat guy wakes up grouchy, damn it! I need to give that man some happy pills in his coffee or something.

10:45 - The princess is asking for lunch, I explain that is far to early and she throws herself on the floor. Today is going to be beautiful!

Get Real

Lets be real here people, nobody is perfect all the time. Me probably most of all. I admit all the time how not perfect I am! The farthest thing from it to be exact!

My gorgeous boyfriend, White Coat Guy, is sadly a victim to my imperfection.

At the start of our relationship, like many other women that I know, I put in so much effort into how I looked before I saw him. You know, made sure I smelled great, my hair was perfect, makeup amazing, cute clothes.  I NEVER let him see me in any other form.

Sure, I talk like a sailor, probably more like a pirate, every other word from my mouth is fuck... I also have a slight Bostonian accent, which makes it all the more harsh... think Mark Wahlberg in The Departed. I've also heard that I am like a man trapped in a woman's body, but that that is a good thing.

So I hooked him with my guy talk, and hotness, the perfect chick.

Jump forward in time to five months into our relationship and we are living together. It became impossible to look great and be cool all the time. He had to see the Mommy side, which he had seen before, but now to the fullest extent. Also, doing laundry, and dishes, cleaning the toilet, and cooking meals. With all of the daily bullshit and whatnot, I couldn't be pretty all the time.

He loves me still, and tells me everyday that I am beautiful! I think he is either blind, or under some delusions!

Here is the woman he fell for

But this, is the woman he now has to look at every day, prepare yourself, it isn't pretty!

Yep, that's right, I put myself out there, I am being real! I am an ugly bitch on a daily basis! Without the makeup, and hotness, this is what the love of my life ends up with.

The pope should make him a saint now! Catholic or not, this man is a saint to look at this when he fell for the previous.

He loves me and still thinks I am beautiful, and that makes me the luckiest woman ever!

I dare the rest of you to be so real.

Don't always be fake, it is more disgusting than the second picture!

Peace and Love,

B

Mind Fuck

Being thrown around on another persons emotional roller coaster can take it's toll! Some may say that staying on the ride is stupid, and to just get off the damn thing for my own good. I however choose to stay on the ride in hopes that the part that I don't like will just be a minor hill in comparison to the entire ride. 

It is hard to watch the person that you love go through hell knowing there is nothing you can do but watch and wait. 

Love is what gets me through each day, what helps me decide to take it all in stride. The benefits that exist when the ride is good fuels me. 

Each day brings something new. Some days are normal, with mutual love and affection. Other days I feel like a ghost, unseen, unheard, unloved. I never know what each day will bring, but I keep on keeping on just in the hopes of another day that may bring the love and joy. 

The mind fuck hurts. I know it is not intentional, therefore I forgive and try to not take it personally. Sometimes however, I can't help but to be hurt by it, because no matter how sad, or down or preoccupied I feel, I make the effort to not exclude those that I love. 

Not only in times like this does my mind feel fucked, but also my heart. 

I have to remind myself to keep on keeping on, for the good I see in the future. 

Only a minor hill on the roller coaster of life. 

Deafening Silence

This is something that I am sure that everyone will, in their time in this world experience. Deafening silence. 

You know what I mean. When there are no words spoken, but so much is said it makes you dizzy. 

Sometimes, there just are no words. Nothing left to be said because it has been said so many times, you know the words like you know your own hands. So no words are spoken, and no are explanations given from either side. 

Knowing you don't have to speak can have a peaceful feeling, having the comfort to understand without an explanation. 

Sometimes it can be maddening, and you may be taking the silence wrong, feeling guilty about something you didn't cause. Sometimes, you did cause the silence and speaking will only make a bomb explode. 

How to know how to feel is nearly impossible. 

But, then again, so is living in silence. In fact, it is painful.

Lost Again

I fear, that once again I am lost. Lost again within myself, searching for where I have gone, trying to find again the me I belong to. 

How foolish of me to think that for the first time in my existence I had finally found my true self. Can a person ever really find themselves and feel complete?

I have come to a point where I can't trust myself anymore. Like I tore the band-aid off too soon. I now flinch at the thought of doing so again.. 

How can I trust my self, and my instincts when I am clearly always fooling myself?

Is contentment, and happiness just an illusion, did it ever really exist to begin with? If it did exist, why couldn't I hold on to it? 

Am I even worthy of feeling that bliss again? I never felt I deserved anything good, so again, I was fooling myself in my allowance of happiness. 

Lost In Beautiful Thought

This blog of mine is named after a key period in life, The Return Of Saturn. 

It is when Saturn returns to the point it was at your birth, and sort of makes you reflect on where you have been and where you are going. It is thought to be a time of great change and reflection. 

When I started this Blog almost a year ago, I knew I was entering my return of Saturn, but had not yet really felt the ramifications. I didn't wake up feeling changed, or different. I was not reflecting on my life in any way. 

Looking back, from my first posts, and now feeling what I do in where my life was, what it is now, and where it is going does make me realize that a great shift in my life is in fact occurring. 

I am not going to tell anyone that shit is sunshine and rainbows because I am not a liar. 

As a matter of fact, such a shift in life is hard, and a constant struggle. As any life change is with anyone, and everyone. 

I am lucky enough to have people in my life who bring me joy, peace and harmony. 

One in particular, without even knowing has brought upon the biggest internal shift of my life, motherhood not withstanding. 

I honestly never knew that another adult could bring me peace and happiness. I never knew that another adult could make me feel so loved, or that I could ever love another adult with as much depth as I love my children. I never knew I could completely be myself around anyone but my children before this beautiful person came into my life. 

In reflection I find how flawed I have been, and I am sure that like everyone I will continue. The past few years have been rocky for me in emotional terms, but I have learned and grown as a person because of all that I have been through. I think the biggest lesson I have learned through the turmoil of it all is how to continue to grow. I feel myself coming into my own for the first time truly. 

I am not done, and don't ever expect to be, but I do know that I appreciate what I have now, and will do whatever it takes to protect it. I want this feeling I have now to last for forever. 

Peace and Love,

B

Life Changing

There are some things in life that can change you course, your direction, maybe even your purpose.

Sometimes you don't see it coming, other times you know that one decision will change your life forever.

It can be big, or small. Even something that seems small at the time could end up being the biggest decision of your entire life. 

Not knowing the outcome is a very scary thing. 

Sometimes, when making decisions that we know will change our destiny and affect every day for the rest of our lives we look for reassurance. It isn't always given out freely, and even when we seek it, there is no guarantee that it will be what we had hoped for. 

When facing the uncertainty of the future you always hope for the best, you hope that this will turn out to be your dream come true. Unfortunately it sometimes turns out to be your worst nightmare. 

I am in no way giving out advice here, for I am more uncertain now of the future, of my destiny, of my happiness than ever before.

A decision that is not mine alone has to be made. 

It will affect the lives of multiple people, whatever is decided. 

The possible outcome terrifies me like no other decision of my life, and I have had to make some drastic ones. 

The fact that this decision is almost completely in anothers hands scares the shit out of me. I have very little control over this.  It is out of my control until their decision is made, and only then can I make my move. A drastic game of chess.

Until next time,

Peace and Love,

B

Been A While

So, it has been a while since I have posted a new blog entry, and it isn't that I am abandoning my loyal international fans, I have just been living life. 

Not that I wasn't before, but like John Lennon said, life is what happens when your making other plans. 

I do have to say, that while some things in life are not perfect, nor ideal, there are some things that are exceptional. 

I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching recently, mostly because I just turned another year older. This is what I have come to realize. 

I have three wonderful children that amaze me every day. I look at them, and all that they are, and am proud to know they are a product of me. I know by seeing their excellence that they will have astounding lives, and for that I am proud. 

I am in love with an amazing man, the man of my dreams in every way. My feelings for him are in no way fleeting, or superficial. I know that I have never truly felt the way I feel about him, about anyone else. I couldn't have wished in my wildest dreams for a more perfect match. 

For these people I am truly blessed. 

I may not have the things many people measure their worth or there lives in general by, but what I do have is absolutely irreplaceable, and absolutely priceless. These people are the greatest part of my being, and seeing my love for them reflecting back is truly the greatest of all gifts.

Peace and Love,

B

Irrational Fears

Do you have completely irrational fears? 

You know the ones, those things that terrify you for absolutely no reason at all..... The could be tangible, or imaginary. 

You may have, in your own little mind come up with an excuse for your fear, but maybe you didn't. 

I have a tangible one and it is silly to everyone that knows about it. Not to me though. When I see this thing I scream, and cry and just want to hide. It feels like I have been infected by some outlandish disease that is going to kill me. 

With this fear, I can walk away and not be bothered by it again, unless I happen across this tangible thing.

Other fears of mine creep up out of nowhere and take hold of my thoughts until I feel like I am going insane. 

I try to talk to friends about it and they tell me I am being ridiculous, and to stop. I can't. 

These thoughts and feelings take hold of me, and torture me until they are proven untrue. 

Irrational? Yes, I know this, but I know I am not the only one that has such fears. 

I once had a irrational fear that something was going to go wrong during an operation I was undergoing. I just knew something was going to go wrong. Everyone told me that I was crazy, that I had had surgery before and everything was just fine those other times, why should I be thinking and acting like this now?

The doctors in the hospital were angry with me for being so convinced something was going to go wrong, the nurses told me to stop crying. The ended up sedating me to get me to stop. 

That surgery, a simple one to remove my gallbladder, a surgery that these doctors do on a regular basis, did in fact go wrong. I went into a coma. 

Come to find out, I was right in trusting my instincts. 

The doctor that ordered my pain medication ordered the nurses to give me enough for someone 3 times my size, and during surgery, I overdosed, which led to the coma. 

Ever since then I trust my instincts. No matter what anyone tells me to the contrary. 

I think everyone should trust their gut, every time. Leave it up to others to prove your gut wrong, and until then, believe what your mind is telling you. 

Yes some of my fears seem irrational to others, they have in the past and they will in the future. Until someone gives me reason to not trust my own thoughts, I will continue to. 

I suggest you all do the same. 

Peace and Love,

B

Lucky

Like anyone else, I have my good times, and my bad. I have days where I want to just disappear, and days when everything in life is beautiful! 

I write an awful lot about when I hate life or things in my life.

This is not one of those times.

I realize that I am incredibly lucky and blessed.

Yes, some stuff still really sucks, and I am very hopeful that those things change sooner rather than later. I am working on those things, and doing everything that I can. Outside of what I can do to change them, they are currently out of my control, and I just have to trust in myself that I am doing everything that I possibly can. 

I am lucky and blessed in the fact that I have finally found an amazing man, that I love with all of my heart. He proves everyday that all men aren't the assholes I thought they were.
He treats me as his equal, he always shows me love, and appreciation, he makes me happy, and never makes me feel bad about myself.
With him, I never feel like I did something wrong, or that I am not good enough. He treats me with respect.
I do not have to be fearful of him, and he never gives me any reason to not trust him.
He really is my dream come true, and I am hopelessly in love.

Part of me thinks I had to first meet all the douche bags so that when I finally found this incredible man that I have now, I would really appreciate him, and I do.

So I guess a thank you is in order to the ex husband that beat me and treated me like his property, the next ex who didn't give a shit about me at all, and to the last ex who got scary and obsessed. Also to all the other assholes in between who looked at me only as an object. Even though none of them got me, it showed me what I didn't want.

Most of all thank you my white coat guy. Thank you for being the first real man in my life, and thank you for being amazing! I am so lucky to have you.

Peace and Love,
B

Things I Will Never Understand About Men... A List

Someone told me recently that I am like a man with female parts. Although I am slightly amused, and flattered by this, it did get me to thinking about the things that men do that I doubt I will ever understand. I know this goes the opposite way as well, but here is my list.

1. Why do men say your body is perfect, yet check out the living breathing Barbie doll that just walked by like it was a juicy steak and you have forced them to live on tofu?
2. How can they shower so quickly? Do they really get clean?
3. Why do they think it is acceptable to scratch anything they want on their body any time or place they want to?
4. Why do they open the door for you when they don't have you, and stop once you are theirs?
5. Why do they stop trying to impress us? I know I am always trying to make my man think he has the very best in a GF.
6. Why do men put so much importance on how much money they make?
7. Why are they so ashamed to cry?
8. How can they sit there blankly staring at the TV menu and yet never decide on something to watch?
9. How can they start watching a movie 3/4 of the way through?
10. Why don't they ever want anyone to see their feet?
11. How can they sleep so damn much?
12. How is it that their hearing is so selective?
13. Why is it okay for them to belch, but not for me to burp?
14. Why do they think we can always do everything?
15. Why don't they get pretty for us once in a while?
16. Why can they never talk about past relationships? Really? Come on, I know other women were a part of you life before I came along, they didn't all get abducted by aliens did they? Were you neurolized? 
17. What about martial arts is so damn fascinating? 
18. Why must they eat a shit ton of food while watching a game? I don't sit down to watch Criminal minds with a table full of junk food....
19. DVR lets you pause live TV, why do you have to wait until commercial?

Please, nobody think this is directed at any singular man. This is directed to men in general. If any men can give me the answers I seek, I would be glad to follow up. 

Peace and Love,

B 

Can A Book Turn You Into A Killer?

Okay, here goes, a subject many have touched on, and so will I. 

There is a conspiracy theory that this book is linked to temporary insanity, and criminal behavior.

It was also banned in the early 1960's and teachers have been fired for assigning it in their classrooms. 

Notably John Hinckley Jr, Mark David Chapman, and Robert John Bardo all had a copy with them when they either attempted or succeeded in shooting people of note. 

To be honest, I believe it is just a crutch for people. "Oh I read this book and it made me want to kill someone".

I have read the book. All I felt afterwards was that I had wasted my time. I did not like it at all. I am sure I have many readers that feel differently. I found it boring and uninspired. 

Upwards of 250,000 copies are sold across the world every year. Are there that many psychopaths?

Are there that many killers?

If J.D. Salinger put some cryptic code telling the books readers to murder, I never found it, and neither have hundreds of thousands of others. 

Charles Manson said that the Beatles were sending him messages to kill through their music. Nobody else has heard such messages and the Beatles music is still known today across the globe. 

I wish people who spend so much time coming up with ridiculous crutches for their bad behavior, had taken that time to rethink their actions. If that were the case, maybe this world would be a little bit of a better place for all to live in. 

I see a lot of excuses for bad, but here is a news flash. You don't need to excuse good behavior. Think about it. 

Till next time

Peace and Love

B

Pissy Fucking Mood

Let me start by saying, this is not directed at anyone in particular, but I am in a pissy fucking mood and I need to vent some how.

I feel about ready to blow the fuck up and unleash all this pent up hurt, and anger! 

However, I am me, so I will not. I will keep my big fucking mouth shut, and pretend everything is okay. 

IT ISN"T OKAY! NOTHING IS FUCKING OKAY!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!

I cannot continue to fake being strong, and that things aren't getting to me.

I cannot be the rock all the time. 

I need to fucking cry, and question, and be held, and just let my emotions go. 

I have held them in so long that at this point I think most people think I am a fucking emotionless robot. Sure I guess I show some on a regular basis, such as happiness, and joy, but the bad ones stay locked up and I CAN"T FUCKING HOLD THEM IN ANYMORE!

FUCK 

I hate this, and right now the only way I can vent is by writing on the stupid fucking blog that I don't even give a damn about, and most of my fucking readers don't even speak English, and wouldn't know me if they tripped over me and visa versa. I just need to write this and try to get it out of my mind and out of the prison I keep all of these emotions in. 

Even if I did start to talk about them, NOBODY WOULD FUCKING LISTEN! 

I am the sounding board, and never have one when I need one! 

I need a fucking shoulder to fall apart on. But, no that makes me selfish doesn't it?

Fuck this, I don't even know what the fuck I am saying other than nobody gives a shit, and I am pissed the fuck off at fucking everything!

Knots

My stomach is in knots all the time from constant worry.

I know others are, or have gone through this. It sucks.
I have had the knots before, but only for short periods of time. Now, there is constant worry, and so constant knots.

It is hard because everything that I am worried about is out of my control.

I am waiting, in every aspect of my life, on the decisions of others. All of these decisions will drastically change my life, and turn my world around. Either good or bad, decisions will be made.

I worry about the outcome, I worry about how I will react if it is not in my favor.

All of these decisions impact me because they are about whether or not I will keep the people I love. I try to be a rock for everyone, and be strong, and this is where I am venting my pain, the only way I know how to.

 Vaguely.

I listen, I love, I hold, and do my best to comfort. I just feel like in the blink of an eye, I could lose three quarters of the people I love most in this world, permanently.

All based on the decisions of others. I have no say, I just have to sit here and hope for the best. Some situations seem as though there is no good solution. Others, there is only one good solution.

I just don't know what to do anymore. How much longer can I continue to be calm and understanding when inside I am weeping, and falling to pieces???

Peace and Love,
B

Am I A Cat

Sometimes in life, there are things utterly out of your control. 

I know that many say that you yourself control your own destiny, and that you control your own life. 

Well sometimes life throws us curve balls, that we could never have seen coming, and that we could not have stopped in any way. 

Sometimes these circumstances are seen coming a mile away, and you try with all of your might to see control which way they will hit, but the ball is in someone else's court, not your own, and you can do nothing but wait and see. 

Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be in a year. You cannot control what this does to your life, just wait and see the outcome. 

That is what is currently going on in my life, in many aspects, and I have to be honest and tell you that the curiosity of what will be feels like a death. 

So, hence the title of this post, am I the cat?

Will my curiosity be my end?

Till next time, 

Peace and Love,

B

Purple Haze

I feel sometimes as if I am walking through life in a haze.

I always eventually see the light in the situation, sadly though, I find the light only comes much too long after the situation.

I look back at different periods of my life and see how, if I was then, who I am now, things would be so different now.

I wish right now that my future self from 10 years from now could come visit me and say "B, do not do x, y, and z, but whatever you do, make sure you do a, b and c, oh, and by the way, that thing your worried about, stop, it all turns out great!"

I wish I could, in my current state, go back in time to the me from 10 years ago. I would give her so much advice! I would change my life so drastically .

I do believe that life takes you where you need to go, and you suffer so that you can learn. There are however some things that I know that I could skip over, and still be the me that I am, and know what I know.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe though, if my recent dreams hold true, the future will be magical!

Peace and Love,
B

Fighter

I came to a conclusion today, that part of me always knew, but denied. 

Don't ask me why I denied it, I just did. 

Now, I do not want to get into too many details about how I came to my conclusion, but I will tell you today was a very important, yet scary day for me. I have never been so terrified in my entire life, than I was by today's proceedings. 

Also, there have been other things over the recent past that have also led me to such a conclusion. 

The conclusion is this... I am a fighter. 

I do not mean that in the violent sense like I would kick someones ass (well I may, but haven't yet) I mean it in the way that I stand by my beliefs, and by what I feel is right, and by what I want. I do not under any circumstances back down EVER!

It unfortunately has taken a lot of pain and suffering to get me to this point, but in a way I am grateful for that. I really wouldn't want to be anything but a fighter.

I am proud that I stand up for what is right, and I don't back down from what I want! 

It takes a lot, even in today's society to be a strong, independent woman, and I am very proud today, to say that I am one! 

Peace and Love

B

ESP

ESP or Extra Sensory Perception 

For the most part, I am glad that certain people in my life do not have this power. If they did, I am sure I would be in a lot of trouble. My mouth is bad enough as it is, my mind is 100 time worse!

There are however certain circumstances in which I wish that others could read my mind. It would make many aspects so much easier. Just think about the possibilities! No more miscommunication! No more jumping to conclusions. No more doubting, or for that matter, wondering!

There are people, that no matter how much you tell them something, they just never get it, or think you are just saying things to make them feel better, although you really do mean them!

Also, the power of projecting your feelings on others. Sure hearing your thoughts is great, but feeling how you feel would be better, sometimes. It could be a good back up to the mind reading. 

The best part would be if you could turn it on and off. But, I guess that what we ultimately have mouths for, to share what we want, and not the rest. Sometimes, it might just be easier though, to have someone just know what is on your mind, and feel how you feel, than having to spell it all out, good or bad. 

I sometimes forget my filter, and just blurt it all out. Oh well, that makes me, well, me.  

Peace and Love,

B

Toys, I Think Not

This post really isn't about me, because I do not allow people to treat me like they own me. Maybe in the past, but I got over it, and those people are not happy about it now. 

This is about what I see happening to people I care about. That pisses me off more than if it was happening to me. Where I do not put up with myself being treated such, I really, really can't stand to see the people I love and care for being treated in such a way and it actually angers me more than if it were happening to me. I feel as if my hands are tied and I just have to watch this happen. 

People are not toys, and others should stop manipulating them. 

Nothing pisses me off more than seeing people being pushed around like a pawn in a game of chess. Holding something over another person or making them feel bad about a situation, or knocking them down to get what you want is just plain old EVIL!

Why can't you be honest with a person when you want them to do something? If they don't want to, they probably have good reason. Forcing them by coercion is not the way to go about it. 

Where do these people learn these tactics? Is it inherent from birth? Did they learn it along the way? Some are very good at this, and that scares me. 

The people who are manipulated need to wake up and see what others are doing to them. They need to see that they are being treated like a play thing. I can see this clear as day, why can't they? It is as if they put blinders on and are being treated like a personal robot.  Do this now.... Yes, whatever you say. Can I wipe your ass now? How can I make things easier for you?

People wake up! Stop being treated like this! Take care of you! Not them! The people that manipulate you, both your actions and emotions, are not worth dog shit! Wake up and see your manipulator for what they are, and stop letting them have this power over you! Cut the strings! Your are not their marionette! 

I hope this advice falls on some useful eyes

Peace and Love

B

Typical Weekday Morning

Since "Typical Saturday Night" was so popular, let me continue on this saga, with... Typical Weekday Morning.

2:00 - 4:00 am - My insomniac butt starts to finally fall asleep. Usually without question, within 30 minutes of drifting off to la la land, my Koala comes into my room, switches on the light, and has some form of emergency.

5:00 am - Have given in and let her crawl into bed with me.

6:00 am - Wake up to a warm wet sensation, yes that is correct, my Koala has pissed on me. She sleeps through it, while I just can't bring myself to. Change my clothes, try to drift back off to sleep. I am a very very silly woman.

6:30 am - My mother awakens me to inform me that she needs help with her hair before work, or she needs me to find her something, or I need to go down to the creepy basement and figure out what is going on with the circuit breakers.

7:00 am - Pray to the coffee gods, and cross my fingers I have cigarettes left. The Koala is now up for the day, and there is no chance in hell in me getting any more sleep.

7:30 am - The Koala wants breakfast and a movie. She is now on a Disney kick, so it is either Tangled, or Beauty and the Beast, for mornings at least, by lunch she will want to watch Across The Universe, Or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. She demands her special oatmeal (disgusting) and I make it for her. She then informs me I do not make it as good as her Nana, and refuses to eat.

8:00 am - I get on the computer to see what is going on in the world outside of Disney, when the Koala walks in naked telling me clothes are stupid. This Mommy decides it is bath time!

8:30 am - I am reminded by my three year old, that in my sleep deprived haze the previous night, I promised her cookies if she went to sleep like a good girl. FUCK! I don't have enough energy to bake a batch of cookies right now. Yes! we seem to be all out of eggs. When I explain this, she tells me I need to buy a chicken.

9:00 am - At this point my three year old is tramping around the house in a pair of high heels, and saying she is baby spice, and that she needs a lollipop. In the meantime, I am trying to do everything in my power to keep her quiet so that she doesn't wake up my boyfriend, or my brother.

9:15 am - As I am trying to do laundry, she undresses and puts the heels back on, escapes out the door and tries to play in the snow... NAKED! I discover my sky clad child, and vow to invent the 3 year old proof door! Fold and put away a few loads worth of laundry. Look at dishes in the sink and want to cry. How is it that I don't eat, yet get to wash two sinks full of dishes, after I cooked it as well?

9:30 am - Put on music so that I can get some cleaning done, worry about it being too loud and waking someone up. My daughter pitches a fit that she can't watch TV.

9:45 am - Phone starts ringing. Everyone and their brother has to talk to me today. God forbid I have things to do, like Laundry, dishes, chase a naked three year old. What don't these people understand? Haven't they ever had to chase a child barefoot in the snow, while someone is talking their ear off about how they didn't get to have Chinese food the night before?

10:00 am - The Koala is demanding lunch. Oh god, I just cleaned this kitchen up, and now it will be destroyed again. It is too early for lunch, I explain. I am hungry RIGHT NOW, she explains. PB&J here we come, it is easier than the impending melt down.

10:15 am - Three year old crying because the puggle ate half of her sandwich that she decided to leave on the floor.  Pellet stove decided to stop working.

10:15 - 11:00 am - Battle pellet stove while three year old rams her little car into the back of my heels. I am now covered in soot, have swollen heels, and very little patients left, but, we have heat again!

11: 30 am - Start my attempt to wake boyfriend, this will be a process. Wake him up to hear he feels like he didn't sleep. Smile and say, "I am sorry honey" let him sleep another hour. Want to pull my brain out through my nose!

So, that is my typical weekday morning. So very exciting. I am surprised I still have hair left.

Peace and Love,
B

What I Wanted Vs. Reality

A glimpse for you, maybe, into what shaped who I am today. 

For me however, it is just reality. Not a fabulous story by any means, just a small piece of my story. I am writing it, because I was reflecting on this particular part of my history, and wondering.

Everyone has dreams growing up, of what they want to do with their lives. I was no exception. In fact, I was positive, beyond the shadow of doubt (mine or anyone elses) that my life would follow my dreams. 

Most of the people who have known me for the majority of my lifetime will attest to the fact that my dreams never wavered. From the age of five there were two things that I wanted, and was determined would happen. 

The first, was to be a Mommy. This, I decided on my fifth Christmas, when, much to my chagrin I discovered there was no Santa Claus. My initial decision to grow up and be a Mommy was so that I could let my children believe in Santa forever and ever. 

Over time, I was the best little Mommy that ever was. First with my dolls, then, with my younger siblings. I simply decided one day that it was my job to take care of them. I did so with a vengeance. As adults, they will tell you that I took wonderful care of them, and two of the three of them even think of me on Mothers Day every year. 

That dream was nearly shattered at the age of nineteen. A medical issue was discovered and doctors told me there was little to no chance I would ever have a child of my own. My only chance was to try as soon as possible. 

That news led to the death of my second dream. A dream that had developed on a few weeks before my dream of motherhood. 

It all started when I starred as the rag doll under the Christmas tree in the Nutcracker. My first taste of the stage, and I had fallen in love. I knew immediately that I wanted to spend my life under the lights of the stage. 

I worked very hard, through childhood and adolescence. I was in every play in musical around, building experience, and a resume. In my spare time I worked tirelessly, on perfecting my singing, acting, and dancing abilities. Practicing my art in every way I could.

Starting at age twelve, I even started planning how I would get from my little, middle of nowhere New Hampshire town, to the big apple! 

I saved every dime I made from babysitting, and then from working at a summer camp. I had my future set! 

I even went as far as working my ass off in high school earning my degree in art via correspondence, because I knew I needed a back up plan to make money as I toiled away at auditions. 

It came to a point, where, like most dreams, a choice had to be made. 

When I learned I may never be a mother, unless, I tried soon I needed to make a decision. 

I was already engaged to be married (eventually) and I insisted on being married before I got pregnant.  So we chose to move our wedding to just about a week after my twentieth birthday, so that we could try to make a baby. 

Well, the doctors were amazed when, I conceived a baby on my honeymoon. forty three weeks later, my beautiful son arrived. Again they said, now it really won't happen again, cherish your son he is a miracle. A miscarriage followed, but then a beautiful baby girl nineteen months later. 

Again, I was told, your body cannot do this anymore, it is impossible. You have one of each, be happy, and appreciate what you have. A few more miscarriages, a lot of heartbreak, and a cancer diagnoses later, I found I was expecting again, even with the cancer. The doctors by this point, must have figured I was just showing off, and proving them all wrong time and again. I wasn't going to let anything stop me, not even impending death! 

I am now done having children, thanks in large part to a partial hysterectomy. I did however make one of my dreams come true, and nobody can take it away from me. I succeeded in becoming, and being a Mommy, to three amazing little people! I wouldn't change my decision for anything, however, there are times when I sit and wonder, what could have been. 

Peace and Love,

B

Falling Into Concrete

I fell

Unexpectedly

More than I knew I could

Happiness filled every ounce of my being

The sun shone like never before

Stars appeared to be diamonds

Even the worst day, was better

I fell

I fell

For my wish from before

For what I saw before me

I finally had my dream come true

I fell

I fell

When you said it first

When no words were ever sweeter

The universe had aligned

Nothing could go wrong

I fell

I fell 

When you sat me down

I didn't understand

Nothing was sure yet

I convinced myself it would work

I fell

I fell 

When you said those words again

And you then tore me apart

When you said it couldn't be

We both want it

But now can't have it

I fell

I fell

Down a black hole

I can't climb out

I need you

I want you 

I love you

You will never be mine

I fell

Bravery

For me, in everyday circumstances, bravery is easy. It wasn't always, but now, is second nature. For the most part, friends, and most acquaintances will tell you that I am brave, or that I have done some brave things. I have come to be a person many do to want to mess with. Sometimes, in fact, my bravery can be stupid and get me into situations that suck. I do have to admit that sometimes, I believe my metaphorical balls to be much bigger than they are. 

When it comes to expressing my emotions however I tend to be the cowardly lion. 

In my head, I am screaming out everything I want to say, good or bad.When it comes time to verbalize however, I become mute. I have tried to overcome this, to no avail. 

Don't get me wrong, I have, in my lifetime expressed emotions. I can tell my children I love them with absolutely no qualms. I have, on very few occasions even cried my heart out (when nobody was looking of course). 

I no longer think of myself as an Ice Queen, because, I do feel emotions, but it's the expressing them part that I am unable to do. Once I do spit out what is on my mind, I am okay from there on out, it is the initial outpouring that is a Herculean task. 

Will I ever get past this? Who knows?

I could psychoanalyze myself (which I tend to do, don't ask, I am strange) and tell you that it is a fear of rejection and or a fear of emotional pain and suffering that keeps me from showing my emotions to people. That would probably be a fair analysis, but, I am just going to go with the fact that I am a little strange.

Peace and Love

B  

Mental

My head is in a really fucked up way at the present time. 

Just one of those days, and I don't really care to go into detail about any of it at all, but think maybe writing will un-fuck my head, and act as a release. 

For any of you who actually know me, you all know I have been very happy recently. 

I still am, very happy. 

I just wish that the happiness in my life right now could erase the bad shit that has been over powering.

I tend to push the negative into the deepest recesses of my mind. If they don't need to be dealt with immediately, then they get filed away so I don't have to think about them. 

Once in a while though, something will bubble up to the surface and make me want to just explode. 

Today is one of those days. The silver lining isn't in site, I am blinded to the fact that in every cloudy day there is a silver lining. 

I want to scream and cry and yell, but I know it won't do me any good. So on days like today I just retreat into this little shell and withdraw from life. I don't feel I am allowed to scream or cry or do anything to release this feeling. Part of me just wants a hug. I want to feel like there is something that will make it all better, but, I know such a thing does not exist. 

Even as I write this, I know writing will not release this feeling. So what am I doing? Why am I wasting words?

I feel I always have to be strong, and never vulnerable. I dis-allow myself that luxury, because in my mind, it is just a sign of my own weakness, and I know that no matter what the world sees I am just weak. Like a castle built out of Styrofoam but painted to look like it is stone. 

Okay, well that's enough of that, ignore this entirely. Just early morning ramblings from someone going absolutely fucking mental.

Peace and Love,

B 

Survival

I am writing this post based on a request from my Aunt. 

I know going into this, it is going to be hard to write. I am not writing it for myself, but for people who need it. I know something like this may have helped a whole hell of a lot when I was going through it. I am going to be honest, because that is who I am. I am not going to sugar coat things, because I don't spew BS. This kind of thing needs to be done straight forward. I know I don't like being lied to, so I won't do it to anyone else. 

This post is about surviving cancer. 

This isn't going to interest all of my regular readers, and I will not be offended if you stop reading now. There are people out there that do need to know that it can be done. No matter how the odds look right now, you can get through this. It will make you stronger, that is a promise. 

You may be weak right now, in fact, if you have cancer, I am assured you feel like just a shell of your former self. I know, I have been there. 

I know what it is like the first time you are told. The shock, and disbelief. "That can't be right, I must have heard them wrong, I am only__ years young! What?" 

Then..... you climb out of the haze and disbelief, and its like you hit a brick wall. 

Suddenly, you are hit with every negative emotion you have ever experienced at once. You are sad, and can't stop crying, then in shock, and can't react, then you get so angry you just want to hurt someone so they feel as angry as you do. 

You might think to yourself when you are first told "I can't be dying, I feel fine, nothing is wrong with me!" The denial will last for a while. 

Unless you share the fact that you are ill, nobody will care, or even notice. 

Then, as sure as flowers in May, your sick. Yesterday you felt great, and were sure the doctors were wrong. Today, you feel like you couldn't move if there was a fire lit under your ass. You don't understand where this came from. You start to think, maybe it is all in your head, that if you think you are not sick, you will feel better and everything will be okay again. Mind over matter right? Wrong! 

You are weak. You know it. Everyone around you knows it. You have a hollow look about you suddenly. 

Next you feel like you live at the doctor. You are poked, prodded, and probed more than a twenty year old jalopy. 

Biopsies are scary as  hell at first. You get used to them. Isn't that horrible? Your Doctors updates, remain horrible, but you have become numb to what they have to say. 

All of this.... Sadly, you just get used to. 

In the mean time you want to cry, scream, beg, anything that will make you better. Most of all though, you want to have someone to talk to about it. 

I didn't. 

A few people said, "Oh sweetie, I understand what your going through" or "I know how you feel". BULLSHIT!  I understand their hearts were in the right place, and they were trying to be there for me, but, don't tell me you know how I feel. Have you ever felt like you should just get in your coffin now, to save everyone else the trouble? Like you should say good bye to your small children, and wonder if they will even remember you? Wonder what the people you love will have to go through once your gone? Wonder what you will miss out on? Wonder how your daughter will look on her wedding day, which should be the last thing on your mind because she is only 2? 

It sucks! Yes I said it! It is the worst thing you will EVER go through. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, which you will have to remind yourself of every single moment of every single day!

As long as there is the smallest glimmer of hope, you need to grab that glimmer, and hold onto it for dear life!

In the two years since they fixed me, and I was in remission, I have experienced many ups and downs that go with everyday life. I have lived! 

Those extra two years have been filled with the mundane, and the shitty, and the extraordinary. But they have been mine. More memories made. I have fallen in and out, and back in love. I have seen two of my three children go to their first day of school. I have had people try to knock me down. I have had days where I did nothing, and days where I didn't stop. I have seen snow, and rain, flowers and falling leaves. 

Once you have survived, these things will hold deeper meaning for you. That, I can promise. 

I now cherish every person in my life, and take nothing for granted. 

I also have become stronger. I knocked on deaths door, and it looked out the peephole and said, "later".

I  fought, not for myself, but for those I loved. I really fought, and never in my life would I have imagined I had that fight in me. 

So, if you are reading this, and you are facing this battle, I want you to fight. 

I want you to fight even when the doctors tell you there isn't anything to fight for anymore. Even when your family tells you, you don't have to. Especially when you feel your weakest. FIGHT! Fight until your last breathe, because you might just change that last breathe into your first. The first in your second chance!

Show the people that you love, that you love them. Tell them that you love them, and cherish every single second you have with them. 

Last but not least LIVE! Make every second count! Your stronger now for winning the battle. 

Peace and Love

B