Lets Be Clear Here

I want to clarify something.

Yes my last post was depressing, and sad, only because I was feeling very down that day.

Shit happens.

The fact that a person is on occasion down in the dumps, does not mean that they have something wrong with them.

Sometimes, life really really sucks!

At this current time, I am unemployed, going through a messy divorce and custody battle, and cannot go anywhere due to my temporary lack of a license. I am also raising three small children.

So yeah... Sometimes I will admit, my life fucking blows!

I do not have extreme highs and lows, In fact I am pretty moderate all the time, but I also over think about stuff and it sometimes really make me upset that my life is where it is at the moment. Saying something is wrong with me for having a shitty day and feeling really down is like saying something is wrong with someone for being super happy when you feel they have no reason to be.

Nobody is always fine. Everyone has their days. Chalk it up to PMS, or stress, or whatever. Do not however, try to pin a shitty day, or a few really shitty days on mental health!

I will admit I am very sarcastic, sometimes even bitchy, and that it sucks to be alone, but if you are going to say that those things add up to something more, I welcome you to show me someone who loves being alone, and is never sarcastic, bitchy, or who never has a shitty day.

I appreciate peoples concern, but there is nothing at all to be concerned about.



Worthless

I am doing this whole blogging thing to get out some stuff before I explode.

So.... My biggest problem is that I am worthless.

Yes you read that correctly.

To everyone, but my kids, and they only need me because they are small children. There will come a time when they also realize I am worthless and want nothing to do with me.

I told someone tonight "I have always been the stupid one" and was told "No you just get overwhelmed"

That is how some people like to describe me.... Overwhelmed. I am not overwhelmed. If I was, so what what, I have three young children, can't find a damn job, and am the throws of a nasty divorce by and abusive man, who still uses our children to control my life, and get to spend my days taking care of my kids, and cleaning, and doing laundry. I don't currently have a damn pot to piss in, so I do what I have to do, not for me, because, I don't give a shit about me, but for my kids.  

My entire life, I have never felt I was worth the dog shit under someones shoes. Honestly, nobody has ever treated me as if I was worth anything to them. I am disposable. I always have been to everyone. Just throw me out like yesterdays news, she wasn't of much use anyways. 

 

For this reason, and this reason only, I think about not existing anymore. Sure my kids would notice, because they need me for a few more years. Nobody else would. I bring nothing into the world. I have never even been particularly good at anything, other than making really cute kids, but I can't even do that anymore. My purpose on this planet has been fulfilled.

I get asked for advice just to be told, that was not what they wanted to hear, or not exactly what they were looking for. No man will ever love me. I have and will never be the daughter my parents had hoped I would be. I was obviously the worst wife in the world if he had to cheat on my all the time and hit me. I must be untrustworthy if my ex had to go crazy over anyone I talked to. On top of it all, I can't even earn a dime. 

What use am I to anyone?

Something I just don't get....

Okay, so most of you that have been reading this blog probably think I am a man hater.

I am sorry to disappoint you all, but that is not the case.

Here, is my issue with men, and I don't want to generalize all men, because, i do not know every man on the planet. But, here is my generalization of the ones that I do know.

I have been in 3 serious relationships. I realize I am a serial monogamist. I am trying my damnedest to change that. I have never dated, but I want to.

The men that I do know, that have expressed an interest, have however not given me much hope of dating, or a LTR (if you do not know what that means, start reading Cosmo).

Let me explain the type of men that show some kind of interest.

Example 1. The FWB

This is the guy that will try to it me up on a regular basis, thinking I am going to sleep with him because I am that desperate for some form of sexual release.

Now I understand that many girls will willingly just hook up with guys... I am not that girl. I don't know if my mindset is out dated, or if it is just that I want something more than Wham-Bam-Thank you mam.

One of these asshole even dared to say to me after I explained I am not into that "Come on you have three kids, don't try to tell me your not like that"

I swear if he were standing in front of me, I would be in prison right now!

Side note: Yes I have three children, but having children does not make me a whore, it makes me a mother. My children were made in long term serious, loving relationships.

Example 2. The Player

This is the guy who will say anything to get me in his bed.

No, he does not have time to spend with me, no he will not take me out on a date, no he doesn't know anything more about me really then maybe how old I am, and that he thinks I am hot.

But..... He will throw out the "I Love You Baby, Don't You Know That?"

When asked what he loves about me..... I am sweet. WELL SO IS A FUCKING CANDY BAR, HERE IS 50 CENTS, GO BUY ONE! I love you for no reason is NOT going to get me in your bed.... just so you know. Do these guys even know what love is???? Someone dropped them on their heads in infancy. That is the only way someone could be so stupid, or think I am so stupid, to fall for that bullshit line.

Example 3. Wants their own kids in the future.

This one really sucks, and there is nothing I can do about it. I also can't blame them.

I cannot have any more kids, a fact I cannot change. Many men, In their late 20's, early 30's, want to spread their seed one day. I come as a package deal, and they want their own package.  These guys aren't bad guys, just disappointing.

It does suck however, when you seem to be getting somewhere with them, and BOOM..... your piping no longer works, so, buh bye.

Example 4. The Wannabe Step Daddy

This is the guy who seems ultra nice, and you find out you have a ton in common with. Then he whips out the fact that he is "in the market to be a step dad". Those guys never hear from me again. If you are going in just to show off my kids as your own, you can go fuck yourself. My children and I are not real estate, and if we were we would not be a furnished split level on a culdesac. We would be a fifth floor walk up in SoHo. We don't come cheap, and we take effort, but we are totally worth it!

And Finally......

Example 5. The "Lets pretend you don't have kids" guy

This guy doesn't want to even acknowledge I am a mother. He doesn't want to see me in that light. He wants to just have "fun" and then I can go home and live my life doing whatever it is I do that he doesn't give a shit about. Until... He has "needs" again. Guess what buddy? Not happening.

Some men fall into more than one of these categories.

They all suck.

All I am really asking for, is for someone to be charming, maybe pursue me, take me out and see where is goes.

I would love another relationship, but what I would love more, is a damn chance.