Survival

I am writing this post based on a request from my Aunt. 

I know going into this, it is going to be hard to write. I am not writing it for myself, but for people who need it. I know something like this may have helped a whole hell of a lot when I was going through it. I am going to be honest, because that is who I am. I am not going to sugar coat things, because I don't spew BS. This kind of thing needs to be done straight forward. I know I don't like being lied to, so I won't do it to anyone else. 

This post is about surviving cancer. 

This isn't going to interest all of my regular readers, and I will not be offended if you stop reading now. There are people out there that do need to know that it can be done. No matter how the odds look right now, you can get through this. It will make you stronger, that is a promise. 

You may be weak right now, in fact, if you have cancer, I am assured you feel like just a shell of your former self. I know, I have been there. 

I know what it is like the first time you are told. The shock, and disbelief. "That can't be right, I must have heard them wrong, I am only__ years young! What?" 

Then..... you climb out of the haze and disbelief, and its like you hit a brick wall. 

Suddenly, you are hit with every negative emotion you have ever experienced at once. You are sad, and can't stop crying, then in shock, and can't react, then you get so angry you just want to hurt someone so they feel as angry as you do. 

You might think to yourself when you are first told "I can't be dying, I feel fine, nothing is wrong with me!" The denial will last for a while. 

Unless you share the fact that you are ill, nobody will care, or even notice. 

Then, as sure as flowers in May, your sick. Yesterday you felt great, and were sure the doctors were wrong. Today, you feel like you couldn't move if there was a fire lit under your ass. You don't understand where this came from. You start to think, maybe it is all in your head, that if you think you are not sick, you will feel better and everything will be okay again. Mind over matter right? Wrong! 

You are weak. You know it. Everyone around you knows it. You have a hollow look about you suddenly. 

Next you feel like you live at the doctor. You are poked, prodded, and probed more than a twenty year old jalopy. 

Biopsies are scary as  hell at first. You get used to them. Isn't that horrible? Your Doctors updates, remain horrible, but you have become numb to what they have to say. 

All of this.... Sadly, you just get used to. 

In the mean time you want to cry, scream, beg, anything that will make you better. Most of all though, you want to have someone to talk to about it. 

I didn't. 

A few people said, "Oh sweetie, I understand what your going through" or "I know how you feel". BULLSHIT!  I understand their hearts were in the right place, and they were trying to be there for me, but, don't tell me you know how I feel. Have you ever felt like you should just get in your coffin now, to save everyone else the trouble? Like you should say good bye to your small children, and wonder if they will even remember you? Wonder what the people you love will have to go through once your gone? Wonder what you will miss out on? Wonder how your daughter will look on her wedding day, which should be the last thing on your mind because she is only 2? 

It sucks! Yes I said it! It is the worst thing you will EVER go through. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, which you will have to remind yourself of every single moment of every single day!

As long as there is the smallest glimmer of hope, you need to grab that glimmer, and hold onto it for dear life!

In the two years since they fixed me, and I was in remission, I have experienced many ups and downs that go with everyday life. I have lived! 

Those extra two years have been filled with the mundane, and the shitty, and the extraordinary. But they have been mine. More memories made. I have fallen in and out, and back in love. I have seen two of my three children go to their first day of school. I have had people try to knock me down. I have had days where I did nothing, and days where I didn't stop. I have seen snow, and rain, flowers and falling leaves. 

Once you have survived, these things will hold deeper meaning for you. That, I can promise. 

I now cherish every person in my life, and take nothing for granted. 

I also have become stronger. I knocked on deaths door, and it looked out the peephole and said, "later".

I  fought, not for myself, but for those I loved. I really fought, and never in my life would I have imagined I had that fight in me. 

So, if you are reading this, and you are facing this battle, I want you to fight. 

I want you to fight even when the doctors tell you there isn't anything to fight for anymore. Even when your family tells you, you don't have to. Especially when you feel your weakest. FIGHT! Fight until your last breathe, because you might just change that last breathe into your first. The first in your second chance!

Show the people that you love, that you love them. Tell them that you love them, and cherish every single second you have with them. 

Last but not least LIVE! Make every second count! Your stronger now for winning the battle. 

Peace and Love

B