Different Faces

I sometimes ponder over who I really am.

I have so many different sides of me which I show to different people.

To some, I am the Mommy, the girl who always had maternal instincts. To others, the crazy free spirited hippie chick, and to some the bitch. The possibilities are endless.

Depending on who you are, depends on which side of me you get.

I like all of the different sides of my personality, but never seem to be able to blend them all together at once.

I am sure, when I eventually die, the people that gather at my wake will be talking about me, and all be confused as to who the others are speaking of.

I know even now, I hear people say something about "oh she would never" or, "that is SO her" and I think to myself, what, and who are they talking about. They think they are talking about me, but it is apparent, that nobody completely knows me...

I really, in my soul, know that nobody knows the real me, the me that only I know.

Besides all of the different aspects of my personality that people choose to see, or I choose to show them, there is so much more.

I wonder if I am just not trusting enough to show others the real me. I just put on a mask, and show them what it is the expect to see from me, or what they would like to see.

The only time I feel the most myself, is when I am quiet, and alone, left with my own thoughts.

Will I ever let another person into that place?

This remains to be seen.

In the meantime, pick which side of me you know, or think I am, and just go with that. That is the person you choose to see.

I beg someone to remove the mask that I place for them, but until that happens, I will remain, as I am, to you, and all others, and the me they choose.

Frozen Hearted

Let me let you in on a little secret. When I was writing my last blog, you know the sappy pathetic one about being alone? I was in tears over being so damn lonely! Stupid, pathetic, yeah that's me sometimes.

Well FUCK MEN!

I have found, that many like the idea of being with me, but don't actually want to be with me.

They put me up on some pretty little fucking pedestal like I am some prize, but then.... if and when they inch their way toward actually winning this coveted prize, THEY FUCKING RUN AWAY!

Let me give you a nice little example...

This guy, lets call him Fucker, well, Fucker and I were friends. After what I went through with my last relationship, Fucker was very comforting.  He would come over and talk to me about whatever, even if it was nothing really at all. He admitted he was lonely as well.

Now, Fucker wasn't exactly what you would call my "type" but he had an amazing personality, and always made me smile! It got to a point, were I could really see myself happy with him.

Then we finally got to the point of mutual affection, and were affectionate with each other. He wanted a little bit more than I was willing to just hand out.

Guess who I have not heard from since???

FUCKER!

I was turning to ice when he started thawing me out bit by frozen bit. Now however, good luck! I from this point forward will be a rock solid frozen mass, of what once was human warmth and tenderness.

FUCK THE FUCKER.... and all the other Fuckers from the past!