Frustrated In Singledom

Okay, so I am here to be 100% honest, with whoever is reading this damn thing, if anyone even is.

So here goes... I do not like being single! Sure I mean, I can't say, to some extent it doesn't have it's perks. For starters, I don't have to answer to anyone, or explain myself to anyone. Also, I can enjoy as much alone time as I want, without having some guy up my ass wanting to know what I am doing when I am walking into the bathroom, or going to buy an Iced Coffee.

But it really does have quite a few pitfalls. Mostly being that I am lonely.

I like having companionship. Having someone to talk to about how my day went. Someone to tell me I look beautiful when I have just woken up and my hair is a fro and I have bad breath. Someone to hug when I have had a bad day, or someone to hug when something great has happened. Someone to notice when I am down, or happy. Someone to notice me.

I also miss being that for someone besides my kids. I want to be the one to give someone a hug when they need it, or have someone to get excited over!

I feel like I fucked up with every relationship and I was given three chances to get it right, and fucked each chance up.

Maybe, if I had been different, and figured out a way to not make him angry all the time, my ex husband wouldn't have hit me and treated me like I wasn't worthy of his love. Maybe if I had just been a better person he wouldn't have cheated on me.

Maybe if I hadn't nagged the second one to stop smoking pot and to get a job he wouldn't moved to another state and ignored his daughter almost dying, which is what led to our demise.

Maybe if I had just accepted the fact that the last ex didn't want to do anything with his life, and had made more money on my own to support all of us without complaining about it, I would have found acceptance with his faults and just dealt with them.

But in all of those circumstances I could not do those things. I tried, with all of them for much longer than most people would have, but in the long run I couldn't.

I look at old married couples, who are together until the end, and think to myself " Am I so hard to love, and treat right?"

Why is it possible for some? Why can't I just accept what others do wrong, or don't do and just deal with it? I mean, I am by no means a perfectionist, but I do feel like I need someone that is perfect for me.

A good friend told me today that I need to stop being so picky. Part of me agrees, and the other part thinks "why can't I be picky with who I give my heart to?"

I need insight. I need to stop feeling like I am in pain. I need to find someone worthy of my heart. I fear that will never happen for me again.



Rant

WHAT IS WITH MEN????

There are only two men I can trust, and not want to strangle. Levi, and my son!

For some reason or another all of my exes got under my skin today.

First: Soon to be Ex Husband ~ almost 30 years old, and got a call from his father that his parents are splitting up. This has emotionally crippled him, and so he could not take his children tonight as scheduled! I don't want to sound like the cold hearted bitch that I know I really am, but, I have known these people since I was a teenager, and they have never been happy, and always spoke of their eventual separation, and or divorce. Everyone that knows them has just been waiting for it to happen. Their son, has known it since he could remember. So now why the "My mommy and Daddy are splitting up, oh poor me"?

Second: Father of my youngest ~ First he comes online and starts bitching to me about his Ex Wife. Honestly I couldn't care, until... He  brings my daughter into it. His Ex Wife wasn't happy with him for visiting our three year old when he doesn't visit their daughter enough. First of all, he visits his other daughters quite often, and talks to them very often. He only sees our little girl ONCE A DAMN YEAR!  Second, HE HAS NEVER PAID ME A DIME IN CHILD SUPPORT! I can't even get food stamps without going after him for child support, which I have tried to do, but I have no information to go on! He only gives his brothers address, where, no he does not live. I don't have his SS# and, he doesn't have a license, and works under the table! She on the other hand lives in Massachusetts, where they give you all you need. She has food stamps, affordable housing, Mass health, ALL OF IT! She is going to bitch that my kid got her once yearly visit!?

Then he tells me that he is going to try to get a transfer to the area so he can drop in and say hi, and visit our daughter. I am using the term our, only for descriptive purposes. She is MY daughter. I have raised her, I have taken care of her 365 days a year! All he has done is donated sperm, and abandoned her. So, no, she isn't his daughter in anything but name. SHE IS MINE!

Third: The Goomba ~ He is still not talking to me over stupid shit that has nothing to do with him. I filled out one of those chain notes on facebook, you know the ones, they ask you questions, and you delete the former persons answer and fill in your own. Well, it was about relationships. I filled it out honestly. He read it and it hurt his feelings, so now he refuses to talk to me. We were getting along fine until then. But, he  feels the need to act like I personally attacked him. If that makes him feel better, playing the victim in us not working out, so be it. Also, He is leaving the state. I found out tonight from Levi. The Goomba talked about this a little before he stopped talking to me, and was angry that I wasn't begging him to stay. Why should I? We aren't together anymore. We don't have anything tieing us to each other now that we are apart. So now that I know he is going, and just needs to come up with the money for a flight out there, To be honest, I feel relieved.

I believe we were completely toxic for each other in just about every way. Yet, always drawn to each other. In my opinion, the further away he is the safer I am, from repeating a toxic mistake.

So, after, and during all of this, I was talking to Levi, in one of our late night/early morning ritualistic chats. I told him I need a boy toy. One that's only purpose is to make me feel good. To much to ask for, I think not.

......... So I Am Taking Resumes.......

Requirements: Must be working, Must be in somewhat decent shape, Must not want marriage or anything like marriage, Must be taller than me by at least 4 inches, Must be okay being referred to by Boy Toy and not by name.

Email all resumes to me, and I will take them into consideration ;)

A Preoccupation With Death

So... today I walked into the study while my mom was answering emails, and listening to the radio online. The song "If I Die Young" by The Band Parry came on and my Mom turned to me and said that this song made her sad, and also makes her think of me. She went on to explain that it sounded like something I would write. Well.. that got us into the conversation of how I have been preoccupied by the thought or thoughts of death and dying since I was a very young child. She placed her first interaction with my preoccupation at about the age of four.

She didn't even have to tell me the time she was thinking about, because I remember like it happened yesterday. I was cleaning my sister and my room when out of seemingly nowhere I felt like I couldn't breathe and all I could think about was one day I will not exist anymore, and maybe even before that, my mommy won't exist anymore. To a four year old little girl that is very scary. The way I was thinking and behaving you would think my mother had just been shot in front of me, but the fact was that she was perfectly healthy, watching TV in the very next room. I remember crying hysterically and running out to her begging her not to EVER die. Then I asked why I was going to die, and could I please have permission to live forever.

Strange for such a small child, don't you think? Well, this preoccupation has continued over the last 24 years, never going completely away. In my teenage years, my peers chalked it up to my being weird or, as they preferred to label me "goth".

To get this up to date... I got to thinking today about this, and how, I know there is no way that this is in anyway normal behavior, I did some research.

Come to find out I am what medical professionals term Dysthymic, or, as the called it pre late 70's depressive personality. Meaning mostly, no, I am not depressed, but yes my thoughts and personality are depressing. I can still smile and laugh like a normal person, no shit right, but basically I am a perpetual pessimist. Encouraging huh?

Maybe I need some meds before I take a swan dive into the shallow end of the pool. <------- see, classic me, that's what I am talking about. I just go from normal whatever mode, to swerving into the, "okay, I am going to kill myself, life sucks, death death death, shit shit shit" then, I freak out and have a damn panic attack.

So, there is a little bit of insight, into the tragic darkness that looms over, only it isn't black, it is always  a blueish gray place that i live in.

Goodnight.

Another Life

My soon to be Ex-Husband's brother became a father for the first time today! I am very excited for him. Mommy, Daddy, and new baby are all wonderfull I am told!

My children were more interested in their new kittens than in the fact that they have a new cousin. Is it possible to be jaded at such a young age? I worry, maybe my attitude and coldness is rubbing off onto them...

I really wasn't this cold my entire life, in fact it is new for me. Sadly, when you are treated badly by the people who are supossed to love you most in life, the hurt becomes ice, and your warmth drifts away.

I am not cold to my kids, or Levi. I think though, towards everyone else, even when I don't intend to be, I turn a cold shoulder.

I miss the warm bubbly girl I once was. Bringing her back would be possible, yet, not practical. She got walked on and spit on and abused.

Now that I have grown an icy layer, I still hurt inside, but don't let others have the satisfaction of seeing the pain. I come off as bitchy and like I don't care, to many. That isn't who I am though. I just internalize it all now, and wait to cry untill it builds up over the wall and floods.  



Day One

I am an insomniac. Worse than that, I am an insomniac with three children. Even worse you ask, I am an insomniac with three children, who happen to currently be on summer vacation! This is why I have two best friends, one of them being Iced Coffee!

My five year old discovered that the stray cat that hangs out in our yard had a litter of kittens. This happens to be one of those Mommy is supposed to know what to do situations. Guess what? Mommy had no idea. So after asking around, it seems as though the prognosis is that Mama cat is going to die, and Mama me is going to be rescuing four helpless kittens.

My other best friend and I had our newly ritualistic nightly chat tonight. Let me give you a quick description of said best friend (no I am not talking about Iced Coffee) as he will be a frequent returning character in my blogging adventures. His name is Levi, yes, I said he. He is fun, loving, caring, sweet, sensitive, mature, friendly, gets along with everyone, has great taste in music, and movies, and books, incredibly handsome, I could go on with a list of his positive attributes for days! Sounds like the perfect guy right? I thought so too, but unfortunately for the female populous, he is quite secure in his homosexuality.

So, just about every night, thanks to his strange work hours, and my insomnia, we talk, and talk, and talk. Usually about men and how much they suck!

Tonight I went on a very long tirade about how I think that couples appearing to be happy are faking it, and how I believe I will never be in a happy relationship again. I FEAR I HAVE TURNED INTO AN ICE QUEEN! 

Thank the Gods for my very patient supportive Levi, who should have just yelled at me to get over it and shut the hell up! But he never does, he is always a sympathetic ear.

So then, while we were chatting, I decided to start a blog. Maybe, someone out there will see my point of view on things, maybe not. Maybe all it will do in the long run is give Levi a break from my meaningless ramblings.

Either way, here it is, my life, currently lost in my return of Saturn.

What You Need To Know Going Into This Relationship

Hey random strangers reading, or not reading my blog. I have no real goal in making a blog, I intend to fill it with my day to day bullshit, and insights, which may or may not be insightful to you. Who knows.

Here is what you may need to know before you get too involved.

1. I ramble.

2. I often make no sense at all.

3. I enjoy messing with your mind.

4. I am not your typical anything.

5. I do not like being placed into a category.

6. I am changing some names, just because I want to blab to everyone doesn't mean everyone in my life wants their stuff out there. It will be out there, but you won't know who I am talking about.

7. I can be crazy random.

8. I am not a good writer.

9. You will learn as we go.

Have Fun, and Come Back Often.