Lost In My Return Of Saturn, Or Finding Myself In It?

Not going to rant, or talk about randomness, which I do quite often, just going to spew out some thoughts about where I am and where I am going.

Not that anyone cares, hell do I even care? Sometimes. 

I wonder sometimes what kind of impression I put out? What do different people pick up from meeting me? What parts of me do they see?

I wonder sometimes if anyone thinks I am attractive. Does it matter at this point? Is it all down hill from here and should I just become a shut in? Or, should I try harder?

Sometimes I just say to myself, "screw it, take me as I am or leave me the fuck alone" but other times I want to feel attractive. 

Do people get a great first impression, and then get to know me and say "this isnt the same chick" or is it the other way around?

I have regrets. painful memories, and some things hurt to think about. I want to find my center, and sometimes I think I have found it, other times it feels miles away.

I am constantly evolving as I am sure you all are. I just wonder sometimes if I will be satisfied enough to stop.

Everything people think I am, I am. These qualities have developed and evolved over time.

I am a bitch
I am a sweetheart
I am generous
I am loving
I am cold
I am quiet
I am loud
I am grounded
I am crazy

I am sure you could all add to this list, and I am sure there are a ton of other qualities both good and bad.

All I know, is at this point, I am the only person who knows it all when it comes to me. I am an open book, and like everyone else, I am just trying to find out the complexities of myself. Maybe, when I do eventually figure it all out, I will share it.

Much Love and Peace to all 

Right Or Left Brained

Okay, so, as some of you who know me know, and now I suppose the rest of you will, I Went to college for quite a few things. 

It isn't that I couldn't find myself, I knew where I was. I just have many different areas of interest. I went to school first for Art, which I received my associates degree. A lot of good that does me right? So I went back first for Early Childhood Education, but, I was paying for everything on my own, and they passed the No Child Left Behind bill, and you have to have your masters to teach. I agree with that law, but knew I couldn't afford to go to school that long unless I didn't want to graduate until the age of 70. 

So I changed my major to Political Science, which I fell in love with! I also excelled at it! Go me right? Well I got really sick and had to take an incomplete for the entire semester, and was discouraged. 

I then got married, had two babies, and that threw a wrench in my plans of an education. After my third child was born, I said to myself, "self, you want your kids to be proud of you, and not be discouraged by whatever life throws them right? Get your ass back in school".

Back to school I went, While raising three small children and working full time! This time, for my Bachelors of Science, Psychology with an emphasis in substance abuse. I chose this for personal reasons, which I may or may not get into at some later date. I didn't want to work with addicts, I wanted to work with their families. Substance abuse affects the entire family, not just the abuser. 

So I went back, and am currently on a few short credits away from my degree. Then I intend on achieving my masters, and maybe one day, when I am 70, my PhD.

So any who... growing up you hear a lot about which side of your brain you use. If you use your left you are more artistic, etc. Right, you are more analytical. 

As a quazi educated woman I can tell you all, there is no proof of this. Yes certain areas of your brain respond depending on different stimuli, but, that does not mean that you are the next Da Vinci because you are a lefty. 

I know many right hand dominant musicians, painters etc. I also know some lefties that couldn't draw a smiley face if you gave them a million dollars. 

It comes down to, some Doctor suggested this theory and it gained momentum to the point where even today, the urban legend or whatever you want to call it has snowballed to the point it is taught to sixth graders in science class!

Give me your thoughts. Maybe we can do a Psych study on this. 

~*~*~*~ Don't forget to click on a link and get me 50 cents! Love to all ~*~*~*~*~*

My Crazy Koala

This Post is going to be about my three year old aka, the Koala. 

It seems that people like to read about our misadventures, so here goes.

She is at this very moment telling me that I am such a big baby. She says this because she is trying to push me out of the desk chair so she can take control of the computer. 

The other night, she woke up claiming she had to "poop" I get her into the bathroom where after a few minutes she screams that she can't poop because her potty training broke. Then you hear her magazine fall on the floor, and she starts screaming from behind the door because she can't poop without her magazine, and she can't reach to pick it up! This was at about five in the morning!

She wakes me up every morning by beating me up, and boy is she a tough little cookie!

She just turned three, but is the size of a five year old! 

She claims to have a boyfriend named John, who in actuality is a garden statue of a boy fishing. She will sit next to him in the garden for hours, talking, and giving kisses. Nobody else is allowed to talk to John without clearing it with her first!

She is preoccupied with taking baths. She would live in the tub if I let her. I will give her a bath before dinner because she is grimy from playing outside. Then she will rub her dinner into her hair, just so I am forced to run another bath! 

She dances and sings all the time which is great and funny to watch. She even dances in her sleep, which I have to admit, throws me every time I see it. Maybe she has epilepsy??? I know she doesn't, but that's what it looks like when a three year old bust a move while fast asleep.

She gives attitude, and Never backs down from a fight! I wish I had half of her guts. 

She truly believes I am Pocahontas and I adore her for that!

She is very cuddly when she wants to be, and will just cling to you like a Koala bear, hence the name.

I spend more time with her than with anyone else on this planet. 

Gotta go, she is demanding to watch Spice world for the nine millionth time!

Walking Forward Not Looking Back

All my life I have wanted to make others happy. I always thought that it was a good quality to have. Sadly, that quality of mine has bitten me in the ass many times. 

With age and experience we all learn that our youth was spent behind rose tinted glasses. We learn who we really are, and it is not always the person we thought we were. 

Many times it is another person who shows you this in your journey, or at least opens your eyes to it. 

Some people in your life are going to want to bring you down when you are up, and, like many of you, I have allowed them to do that. 

From this point forward, I am going to allow myself to continue to move forward in my life and not look back and let circumstances or people from my past bring me down.  I am determined to be me, take it or leave it. 

I may not be who the younger version of me thought I would be, but I am happy with the person I have become. 

There are many people responsible for my present outlook on life, and although many of those people brought me pain or misery, I thank them in a way for turning me into a stronger version of myself. Also, I thank all of the people who have treated me with respect and kindness, without them, I would not have had the will to keep going. 

To all those I love, and will love in the future, thank you. 

I named this blog "Lost In My Return Of Saturn" after the astrological change that affects your life every 28 - 32 years. I truly believe that my life in some way or another is being affected, in a positive way! I can finally allow myself to be happy with something good going on, and for that I am thankful.

So, to the past, and the people I will not be journeying with anymore, I say goodbye, I have no intention of looking back, thanks for the road trip.

To those who have stayed with me, and those who will be joining the ride, Lets crank up the music and enjoy the rest, because who knows whats ahead, and how long this intense ride will last!!!

I promise, we will take a few pit stops and marvel at the worlds largest ball of twine. 

Blessings to all

Staring At Stars

I had a perfect evening  Saturday into Sunday.

So, since I  write about when I am pissy and disgruntled, I thought I would for once, write about being happy.

I had friends over for a fire and, well I suck at making, and or keeping going a fire. Luckily I had the aid of some really great people! 

Now, life recently has really sucked, but, even if for only a few hours, all of that bullshit melted away and was nothing short of magical. 

I had a lot of fun socializing, which I don't get the opportunity to do often. Lots of laughs and stories, from old friends and new. Every topic imaginable was discussed, people were nearly decapitated, trees came crashing down, It was amazing. 

I had the opportunity of spending some quality time with someone I think is great, looking at the stars and talking about all kinds of things. For the first time in a very, very long time I felt safe, and happy.  

I am really hoping nights like these turn into something more regular, fun times with great people, just enjoying life!

I recommend that all of my readers have a night like this, and take some time to stare up at the stars!