Mental

My head is in a really fucked up way at the present time. 

Just one of those days, and I don't really care to go into detail about any of it at all, but think maybe writing will un-fuck my head, and act as a release. 

For any of you who actually know me, you all know I have been very happy recently. 

I still am, very happy. 

I just wish that the happiness in my life right now could erase the bad shit that has been over powering.

I tend to push the negative into the deepest recesses of my mind. If they don't need to be dealt with immediately, then they get filed away so I don't have to think about them. 

Once in a while though, something will bubble up to the surface and make me want to just explode. 

Today is one of those days. The silver lining isn't in site, I am blinded to the fact that in every cloudy day there is a silver lining. 

I want to scream and cry and yell, but I know it won't do me any good. So on days like today I just retreat into this little shell and withdraw from life. I don't feel I am allowed to scream or cry or do anything to release this feeling. Part of me just wants a hug. I want to feel like there is something that will make it all better, but, I know such a thing does not exist. 

Even as I write this, I know writing will not release this feeling. So what am I doing? Why am I wasting words?

I feel I always have to be strong, and never vulnerable. I dis-allow myself that luxury, because in my mind, it is just a sign of my own weakness, and I know that no matter what the world sees I am just weak. Like a castle built out of Styrofoam but painted to look like it is stone. 

Okay, well that's enough of that, ignore this entirely. Just early morning ramblings from someone going absolutely fucking mental.

Peace and Love,

B