Pissy Fucking Mood

Let me start by saying, this is not directed at anyone in particular, but I am in a pissy fucking mood and I need to vent some how.

I feel about ready to blow the fuck up and unleash all this pent up hurt, and anger! 

However, I am me, so I will not. I will keep my big fucking mouth shut, and pretend everything is okay. 

IT ISN"T OKAY! NOTHING IS FUCKING OKAY!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!

I cannot continue to fake being strong, and that things aren't getting to me.

I cannot be the rock all the time. 

I need to fucking cry, and question, and be held, and just let my emotions go. 

I have held them in so long that at this point I think most people think I am a fucking emotionless robot. Sure I guess I show some on a regular basis, such as happiness, and joy, but the bad ones stay locked up and I CAN"T FUCKING HOLD THEM IN ANYMORE!

FUCK 

I hate this, and right now the only way I can vent is by writing on the stupid fucking blog that I don't even give a damn about, and most of my fucking readers don't even speak English, and wouldn't know me if they tripped over me and visa versa. I just need to write this and try to get it out of my mind and out of the prison I keep all of these emotions in. 

Even if I did start to talk about them, NOBODY WOULD FUCKING LISTEN! 

I am the sounding board, and never have one when I need one! 

I need a fucking shoulder to fall apart on. But, no that makes me selfish doesn't it?

Fuck this, I don't even know what the fuck I am saying other than nobody gives a shit, and I am pissed the fuck off at fucking everything!

Knots

My stomach is in knots all the time from constant worry.

I know others are, or have gone through this. It sucks.
I have had the knots before, but only for short periods of time. Now, there is constant worry, and so constant knots.

It is hard because everything that I am worried about is out of my control.

I am waiting, in every aspect of my life, on the decisions of others. All of these decisions will drastically change my life, and turn my world around. Either good or bad, decisions will be made.

I worry about the outcome, I worry about how I will react if it is not in my favor.

All of these decisions impact me because they are about whether or not I will keep the people I love. I try to be a rock for everyone, and be strong, and this is where I am venting my pain, the only way I know how to.

 Vaguely.

I listen, I love, I hold, and do my best to comfort. I just feel like in the blink of an eye, I could lose three quarters of the people I love most in this world, permanently.

All based on the decisions of others. I have no say, I just have to sit here and hope for the best. Some situations seem as though there is no good solution. Others, there is only one good solution.

I just don't know what to do anymore. How much longer can I continue to be calm and understanding when inside I am weeping, and falling to pieces???

Peace and Love,
B