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Lost in A haze of blue

Lost without a part of my soul.

Lost in this hazy blue nothing that is left behind.

Longing for what was, even the parts I hated.

Feeling not whole anymore.

Like a fragmented being, still picking up pieces.

Never able to find all the shards.

I need the other part of my soul again.

Without it I am just existing.

I am lost without it.

Not What I Dreamed

I am not what I want to be, or who I want to be.

I am alive but not living.

I once had dreams and aspirations, and now I merely exist.

I wake up daily and go through the motions.

I truly feel I could vanish and not a could would notice unless they needed something from me.

All I have ever been worth to anyone was what they could get from me. It is my own fault.

I have always tried to get people to love me by going above and beyond to please. Now I realize that that is all I have ever done. All my life has been about pleasing everyone else and making myself miserable.

The Enemy

Tired of always feeling like the enemy.

Everywhere I go.

At home, more than anything else.

What is it about me that makes people dislike me. What in my make up has made people, especially those I love most despise the fact that I breathe?

By default my children are also disliked, just for being mine.

I am sick of this.

I am hurt by this.

I want it to end, but don't see a horizon.

Inner Turmoil

I am conflicted. My soul feels torn.

I am tired. I am hurt.

I can't be everything to everyone, while being nothing to them at the same time. 

I want to feel like I matter, and like I belong.

That is not happening, nor do I feel like it will.

I am not depressed, just unwanted. 

The people that claim they care do not.

Insincerity cuts through my soul. 

I feel like the joke in my own life.

Still lost, not returning.

Dazed

Over all in general, I am okay.

I have certain things in my every day life that bother me. 

I need a distraction. Something I can do, on my own, that is just for me.

I need my own little corner in my own little world, where I can be whatever I want to be.

I don't have that, while others do, and I think it is getting to me.

I need an outlet, or I fear I will implode some days.

I need a friend.

I need someone who not only will listen to me, but that wants to listen to me, and can validate my feelings so I don't feel like a bitch all the time.

It would be nice to have a friend in this place.

I feel as though I am in permanent solitude.

I am dazed thinking that this is what my like will be for the rest of it. I came here of my own free will, but feel like I do not belong, and there is no place for me.

I feel as though I am just a freeze dried replacement of someone that once occupied this space.  Living anothers life.

I don't like this feeling but it is my reality. Do I dwell, or deal?

Peace and love,

B

Two Years Into It

I am two years into my return of Saturn, and still feel lost. 

When I do feel like I am found, and that life is finally balanced and heading in the right direction, I find that I become more lost.

Growth and change are normal. Am I growing as a person? Am I learning important lessons to take on throughout the rest of my life?

I fear I am repeating bad habits in life and in love, and that frightens me.

Should I do a 360 now, before it is too late?

Should I stay on my current path, and spend forever swimming against the current?

I know that only I can answer these questions. I am my own worst enemy, and critic.

Am I strong enough to hold true to me, if I find who me really is?