As I have stated before, I have intentionally turned myself into ice.
I did this with purpose.
I did this for protection.
I have to a point where, unfortunately I don't know how to thaw.
I did not realize this would be a problem, I honestly did not think that I would ever have a desire to thaw, but, the fact remains that I do.
Recently, I have been having some warm feelings, here and there. To be quite blunt about it, those feelings scare the hell out of me. So, I suppress them. I have been putting a lot of effort into this Siberian suppression.
A very good friend of mine keeps telling me to listen to what I am feeling, and to stop burying these feelings, and just admit them already. I can't do that.
It isn't that I don't want to, it is that I have forgotten how.
You see I have put so much effort into refusing that this warm loving part of me exists, that I think that part of me may be forever gone.
There have been a few times recently I have attempted sharing my feelings, and showing my warmth, what little there is left. The problem is, the second I start, I instantly regret it, and want to just crawl into a hole and go back into my icey shell.
My own mother informed me tonight that I need to open up. She also pointed out, that I have always opened up and been very loving. I then decided to point out to her exactly where that has gotten me in the past.
Why would I even want to set myself up for that again?
On the other hand...
What am I missing by staying cold and closed off?
I am not expecting a response from any of my readers, just putting the thoughts from my fucked up mind out there into the stratosphere.
Please... if you have read this, do yourself a favor, and don't force yourself into a frozen tundra. It is lonely, and cold, and nobody can visit you there. Stay gold pony boy, stay gold.
