The Enemy

Tired of always feeling like the enemy.

Everywhere I go.

At home, more than anything else.

What is it about me that makes people dislike me. What in my make up has made people, especially those I love most despise the fact that I breathe?

By default my children are also disliked, just for being mine.

I am sick of this.

I am hurt by this.

I want it to end, but don't see a horizon.

Inner Turmoil

I am conflicted. My soul feels torn.

I am tired. I am hurt.

I can't be everything to everyone, while being nothing to them at the same time. 

I want to feel like I matter, and like I belong.

That is not happening, nor do I feel like it will.

I am not depressed, just unwanted. 

The people that claim they care do not.

Insincerity cuts through my soul. 

I feel like the joke in my own life.

Still lost, not returning.

Dazed

Over all in general, I am okay.

I have certain things in my every day life that bother me. 

I need a distraction. Something I can do, on my own, that is just for me.

I need my own little corner in my own little world, where I can be whatever I want to be.

I don't have that, while others do, and I think it is getting to me.

I need an outlet, or I fear I will implode some days.

I need a friend.

I need someone who not only will listen to me, but that wants to listen to me, and can validate my feelings so I don't feel like a bitch all the time.

It would be nice to have a friend in this place.

I feel as though I am in permanent solitude.

I am dazed thinking that this is what my like will be for the rest of it. I came here of my own free will, but feel like I do not belong, and there is no place for me.

I feel as though I am just a freeze dried replacement of someone that once occupied this space.  Living anothers life.

I don't like this feeling but it is my reality. Do I dwell, or deal?

Peace and love,

B

Two Years Into It

I am two years into my return of Saturn, and still feel lost. 

When I do feel like I am found, and that life is finally balanced and heading in the right direction, I find that I become more lost.

Growth and change are normal. Am I growing as a person? Am I learning important lessons to take on throughout the rest of my life?

I fear I am repeating bad habits in life and in love, and that frightens me.

Should I do a 360 now, before it is too late?

Should I stay on my current path, and spend forever swimming against the current?

I know that only I can answer these questions. I am my own worst enemy, and critic.

Am I strong enough to hold true to me, if I find who me really is?

Чтобы я, возможно, упомянул прежде, я действительно намереваюсь при выделении в blogesphere начать литературные обзоры. Это не обзор, а рекомендация совершенно новой книги к первому разу автор. Все, что я могу сказать Вам, ваше мнение будет взорвано!!! Воображение, которое этот человек имеет абсолютно, изумляет меня. Я не могу ждать, чтобы видеть больше работы от него. Он - новый Tolkien по моему скромному мнению! Книга доступна только на amazon.com прямо сейчас, и очень разумно оценена. USD.Check за 3.00 $ это, я прошу Вас, и быть просвещен.







http://www.amazon.com/The-Mighty-Brisbrom-ebook/dp/B00CMQWWM4/ref=sr_1_6?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1367626674&sr=1-6&keywords=nh


Я уверяю Вас, это не будет трата вашего времени, или денег. Мир и Любовь, B

Must Read

So as I may have mentioned before, I do intend on branching out in the blogesphere to start literature reviews. 

This is not a review, but a recommendation of a brand new book by a first time author. 

All I can tell you is, your mind will be blown!!!

The imagination that this man has absolutely astounds me. 

I cannot wait to see more work from him. He is the new Tolkien in my humble opinion!

The book is available only on amazon.com right now, and is very reasonably priced. $3.00 USD.

Check it out, I implore you, and be enlightened. 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mighty-Brisbrom-ebook/dp/B00CMQWWM4/ref=sr_1_6?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1367626674&sr=1-6&keywords=nh

I assure you, it will not be a waste of your time, or money. 

Peace and Love,

B

Whose The Author?

Who is writing your life story?

Are you letting another hold the pen?

Are you giving up control?

Is another narrating your ever after?

Don't throw away the rough draft! Learn from what you have already written. Add to it, and turn it into YOUR story.

Fire the ghost writers in your life, and take it back for yourself.

Peace and Love,
B

Suspect

Sometimes, I fear my bitterness is getting the better of me.

Sometimes I fear I am suspicious out of insecurity alone.

Sometimes I want to scrap all that is good in my life out of fear of losing it some other, worse way.

Self sabotage feels as though it is the only way of keeping control.

Will this circle of inner self mutilation ever cease?

Am I truly my own worst enemy?

New Blog Idea

I have been reading quite a bit lately, and was thinking of branching off into a new Blog. 

My idea is to make a literature review Blog. Everything from Tolstoy to Alcott.....

I love to read and thought maybe I might have some readers who value my opinion.

I would of course keep this Blog going, as my Return of Saturn is not yet complete. 

Let me know what you think in the comments below, and, if you like the idea  please, recommend some books for me to review. 

Peace and Love,

B

Don't Piss On Me

I won't piss on you.....

Listen, in the united states we have something we like to call freedom of religion. It is a principle built into our constitution for good reason. 

The puritans came here in pursuit of religious freedom, to escape persecution. 

In today's day and age we should all keep this in mind. Do we, NO!

In my new home town separation of church and state does not seem to exist. 

The school gives children specific religious holidays off. No I am not exaggerating, it is on the school calendar "NO SCHOOL, _______ "  .

I am not going to list which religions holiday is given the day off from school, as to try to keep this unbiased to my readers. 

Also, the local newspaper printed an entire article on how non believers of this faith are ruining holidays of believers, and how the believers must reclaim holidays, government and society in general as their own again.

This article made my blood boil! 

It is so wrong for a public newspaper to print such an article. It is not a religious newsletter, but a free public news source! Also, this was not a "letter to the editor", but an actual article written by one of the news reporters!!!!

I don't care what another person believes in, be it Jesus, Jehovah, God, Buddha, Earth, Aliens etc. but have some courtesy for your neighbor, and keep your beliefs to yourself.

Stop trying to convert others, stop shoving it down our throats, and keep it the fuck out of schools and government offices!

In no country, or state in this world should others feel forced to go along with the majorities beliefs or feel persecuted! 

Whats next, the minority religions will be punished for not going along? 

There is a quote I once read that I feel not only brings humor to this subject, but explains my feelings maybe more clearly, although in a more lament show.....

"Religion is like a penis, It is fine to have one, It is fine to be proud of it, but PLEASE don't whip it out in public and start waving it around."

Keep your beliefs to yourself, in your home, or in your place of worship, and please keep it out of my face, and others!

Peace and Love,

B 

Tired

Tired of being invisible.

Tired of having no voice.

Tired of not mattering.

Tired of only being a choice.

Tired of doing it all.

Tired of feeling alone.

Tired of treading lightly.

Tired of taking the fall.

Proud

So The last week has brought upon a very big change in my life!

I know live 2 states away from where I always was.

May not seem very big to many, but it is to me. 

I am starting fresh, and it feels great! 

White Coat Guy and I now have a beautiful, loving home and are striving for excellence!

In one hour we will have been here one full week. In that week we have set up house, settled the Koala, I have already procured employment, and have an even better job lined up to start next month! 

We have a kitchen full of food, our home is clean, and the kids are happy and healthy. 

I am proud of us. I am proud that some people thought we would fall on our faces immediately  and we are proving them wrong. I am proud at the life we are making for our family, I am proud that we have accomplished what we have in such a short time. I am proud that we are happy.  

As for what people here think of me, I am not yet sure, but to be honest, I really don't care. 

I am here for me, and my family, not for anyone else!

I miss my friends and family back home, as does the Koala. I greatly miss my Tigger and my Bean, but will actually see them more living here, hundreds of miles away, then I did living only seven miles from them. 

We also added to our already  large combined family, yesterday, by getting a beautiful pit-bull puppy named Abbey! She is the sweetest thing on four legs! 

So.... let me raise my coffee mug to new beginnings, and hope you all feel as blessed and proud as I do.

Peace and Love,

B

My Message To The Extreme Right Wing

I am extremely liberal in my opinions. If you are reading this and are extremely conservative, I am sure you have already stopped reading this, which is sad.

It might be good advice for the right wing extremists to listen to the left for a change, instead of feeding us a constant stream of their overly expensive, nut job horse shit!

The right wing doesn't want to hear my opinion, or anyone that disagrees with them for that matter. 

Here is my opinion anyways.

Gay Rights - Shouldn't be considered "Gay Rights". They are human rights, and all the republicans are doing are causing segregation, bigotry, and hate. Please let me quote part of the United States Constitution:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. 

Women's Rights- 

We are people too! Would the men in Washington, the conservative men in Washington, like it if I was endowed with the power to make rules about their bodies? How about I get voted into office, or any women for that matter does, and decides that every man that has already fathered a child have a vasectomy? How about, that every man must ask their wife's permission before going for a routine doctors appointment? What if condoms were outlawed, and all of those children that the men didn't count on having, and didn't financially plan for must be paid child support to?

I have a uterus, so therefore big brother can tell me what I can do to it? Tell me what pills I can swallow? Tell my daughters that if they were ever raped and impregnated by their rapist they must carry the child to term, and also allow their assailant to visit with said unwanted child?

Fuck you conservatives? You don't know what the fuck your talking about!

Unless the conservatives want their rights taken away from them, they should stop trying to take others away!

This bullshit is getting so extreme, I feel only extreme action will resolve it, if it continues on such a path.

Listen to our founding fathers morons, and stop trying to start a second civil war.

More to come at a later date,

Peace and Love,

B

   

Bitch

I know I can be a bitch.

When someone tells me to my face,I think they think they are telling me something I don't yet grasp.

Let's face it, everyone can be a bitch.

I have to admit I can do it rather well.

There are just some things I refuse to tolerate. I feel this list is understandable. If someone can't understand, Fuck them.

Here is my list of what brings out the bitch in me, 

1. Someone messing with someone I love IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM! 

This is my number one bitch generator, let me please explain to those who might not grasp this. First off, this rule is mainly directed towards my kids and future hubby, but also includes some siblings and close friends. If perhaps you feel like messing with them you will find this out first hand. You do not want to deal with me in such a circumstance, but hey, if you want to taste my wrath, give it a try. My claws come out, either literally or verbally. The later is worse, trust me. I have never physically harmed another, but you physically hurt one of these people, I may be prone to temporary insanity. Bully my kids, Fuck with my FH, select siblings, or my close friends that I consider family, you fucking deal with me. My bitch switch flips faster then a fucking pancake at IHOP. Consider this fair warning ;)

2. People judging others, especially in the name of God.

 

I may not be Christian, but I was raised Christian, and know the bible well. Do not try using the "God says it's a sin" bullshit line on me. I will whip out a far more intelligent argument that blows your mind. Your brain will explode into a million pieces, and you will feel like the victim of a Frank Miller graphic comic.

3. People feeling they have more rights then someone else. Enough said.

4. People that make assumptions

.

Take your piss poor assumptions and stick them where the sun will never shine. 

I speak my mind, I am firm in my beliefs  stand up for myself and my loved ones, refuse to allow injustice, refuse to compromise what I know to be right, and live my life for me, not you. If in your eyes that makes me a bitch, I am proud to hear you call me that!

Peace and Love,

B

Preparing To Move On Out

In about one months time I will moving.

To  a new home, in a new state, surrounded by my love, and a bunch of strangers. People I have never before met, and who, I am sure, have already formed an opinion of me.  (I have a feeling I am already hated)

Should I be nervous, or excited? I am a bit of both to be honest.

I am leaving all I have ever known. 

Leaving my friends,

Leaving my family,

Leaving my town.

In part, this is wonderful. I can have little to no contact with those I cannot stand. I can pretend I have fallen off of the planet. 

I know there are many I will miss, but will they miss me? 

Will the ones it hurts to leave even register my absence?

I fear in leaving everything behind I am leaving part of me behind. 

I am excited to spend forever with the man that I love, and to start our lives together. New beginnings are supposed to be wonderful are they not?

Then why so bitter sweet?

Peace and Love,

B

Goodbye Color

I am recently really starting to believe that I have no imagination.
I used to think that I had amazing ideas, and believed myself to be a very creative person.
I don’t know if I was under some grand illusion, believing myself to be something I am not, or if perhaps I was once creative and imaginative and have just lost it.
Whichever it was , my creativity is now gone.
I need a muse of some sort, something to bring back the spark, or jump start what was never really there.

Maybe, my lack of creativity comes from stress. Maybe it comes from age.

All I seem to be able to think about lately is what is in my head, the day to day bullshit.
I could write about all of that till I turn blue. Just to get it out of my head for a little while.

As those of you who read this know already, sometimes I go off on tangents, and sometimes my day to day is rather humorous. Either way, I am not using any imagination, merely reporting on my observations of life.

Here is to hoping I find the spark.

Peace and Love,

B

Knowing

To all of my dedicated readers out there, this is gonna get sappy, I may even cry while writing it. 

I for the first time in my life feel loved. Not just feel, know. 

I know I am loved.

I know I am respected.

I know I can be me.

I know someone cares.

I know I matter.

I know I am trusted.

I know I can trust.

I know, that no matter what, someone has my back.

I know these things for the first time ever because I have found the love of my life. Someone perfect for me in every way. The true match to my soul. My white coat guy.

I know that no matter what happens in our lives, we are going to be there for each other, forever. I never could have imagined finding someone that loves me so deeply and truly, but I have, and for that I am blessed beyond belief. 

I feel like the luckiest person on the planet to have such a wonderful person that loves me, and that I love so much. I feel blessed just based on the fact that I get to love someone so incredible, but I don't just get to love him, and be loved by him, I get to marry him and spend forever with him! 

There are not enough words in any language to express not just my love, but also my gratitude at having him in my life. 

White Coat Guy, you really, truly, forever are my happily ever after. Thank you for showing me how it feels to know. 

Peace and Love,

B