So... today I walked into the study while my mom was answering emails, and listening to the radio online. The song "If I Die Young" by The Band Parry came on and my Mom turned to me and said that this song made her sad, and also makes her think of me. She went on to explain that it sounded like something I would write. Well.. that got us into the conversation of how I have been preoccupied by the thought or thoughts of death and dying since I was a very young child. She placed her first interaction with my preoccupation at about the age of four.
She didn't even have to tell me the time she was thinking about, because I remember like it happened yesterday. I was cleaning my sister and my room when out of seemingly nowhere I felt like I couldn't breathe and all I could think about was one day I will not exist anymore, and maybe even before that, my mommy won't exist anymore. To a four year old little girl that is very scary. The way I was thinking and behaving you would think my mother had just been shot in front of me, but the fact was that she was perfectly healthy, watching TV in the very next room. I remember crying hysterically and running out to her begging her not to EVER die. Then I asked why I was going to die, and could I please have permission to live forever.
Strange for such a small child, don't you think? Well, this preoccupation has continued over the last 24 years, never going completely away. In my teenage years, my peers chalked it up to my being weird or, as they preferred to label me "goth".
To get this up to date... I got to thinking today about this, and how, I know there is no way that this is in anyway normal behavior, I did some research.
Come to find out I am what medical professionals term Dysthymic, or, as the called it pre late 70's depressive personality. Meaning mostly, no, I am not depressed, but yes my thoughts and personality are depressing. I can still smile and laugh like a normal person, no shit right, but basically I am a perpetual pessimist. Encouraging huh?
Maybe I need some meds before I take a swan dive into the shallow end of the pool. <------- see, classic me, that's what I am talking about. I just go from normal whatever mode, to swerving into the, "okay, I am going to kill myself, life sucks, death death death, shit shit shit" then, I freak out and have a damn panic attack.
So, there is a little bit of insight, into the tragic darkness that looms over, only it isn't black, it is always a blueish gray place that i live in.
Goodnight.
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