Frustrated In Singledom

Okay, so I am here to be 100% honest, with whoever is reading this damn thing, if anyone even is.

So here goes... I do not like being single! Sure I mean, I can't say, to some extent it doesn't have it's perks. For starters, I don't have to answer to anyone, or explain myself to anyone. Also, I can enjoy as much alone time as I want, without having some guy up my ass wanting to know what I am doing when I am walking into the bathroom, or going to buy an Iced Coffee.

But it really does have quite a few pitfalls. Mostly being that I am lonely.

I like having companionship. Having someone to talk to about how my day went. Someone to tell me I look beautiful when I have just woken up and my hair is a fro and I have bad breath. Someone to hug when I have had a bad day, or someone to hug when something great has happened. Someone to notice when I am down, or happy. Someone to notice me.

I also miss being that for someone besides my kids. I want to be the one to give someone a hug when they need it, or have someone to get excited over!

I feel like I fucked up with every relationship and I was given three chances to get it right, and fucked each chance up.

Maybe, if I had been different, and figured out a way to not make him angry all the time, my ex husband wouldn't have hit me and treated me like I wasn't worthy of his love. Maybe if I had just been a better person he wouldn't have cheated on me.

Maybe if I hadn't nagged the second one to stop smoking pot and to get a job he wouldn't moved to another state and ignored his daughter almost dying, which is what led to our demise.

Maybe if I had just accepted the fact that the last ex didn't want to do anything with his life, and had made more money on my own to support all of us without complaining about it, I would have found acceptance with his faults and just dealt with them.

But in all of those circumstances I could not do those things. I tried, with all of them for much longer than most people would have, but in the long run I couldn't.

I look at old married couples, who are together until the end, and think to myself " Am I so hard to love, and treat right?"

Why is it possible for some? Why can't I just accept what others do wrong, or don't do and just deal with it? I mean, I am by no means a perfectionist, but I do feel like I need someone that is perfect for me.

A good friend told me today that I need to stop being so picky. Part of me agrees, and the other part thinks "why can't I be picky with who I give my heart to?"

I need insight. I need to stop feeling like I am in pain. I need to find someone worthy of my heart. I fear that will never happen for me again.