What I Wanted Vs. Reality

A glimpse for you, maybe, into what shaped who I am today. 

For me however, it is just reality. Not a fabulous story by any means, just a small piece of my story. I am writing it, because I was reflecting on this particular part of my history, and wondering.

Everyone has dreams growing up, of what they want to do with their lives. I was no exception. In fact, I was positive, beyond the shadow of doubt (mine or anyone elses) that my life would follow my dreams. 

Most of the people who have known me for the majority of my lifetime will attest to the fact that my dreams never wavered. From the age of five there were two things that I wanted, and was determined would happen. 

The first, was to be a Mommy. This, I decided on my fifth Christmas, when, much to my chagrin I discovered there was no Santa Claus. My initial decision to grow up and be a Mommy was so that I could let my children believe in Santa forever and ever. 

Over time, I was the best little Mommy that ever was. First with my dolls, then, with my younger siblings. I simply decided one day that it was my job to take care of them. I did so with a vengeance. As adults, they will tell you that I took wonderful care of them, and two of the three of them even think of me on Mothers Day every year. 

That dream was nearly shattered at the age of nineteen. A medical issue was discovered and doctors told me there was little to no chance I would ever have a child of my own. My only chance was to try as soon as possible. 

That news led to the death of my second dream. A dream that had developed on a few weeks before my dream of motherhood. 

It all started when I starred as the rag doll under the Christmas tree in the Nutcracker. My first taste of the stage, and I had fallen in love. I knew immediately that I wanted to spend my life under the lights of the stage. 

I worked very hard, through childhood and adolescence. I was in every play in musical around, building experience, and a resume. In my spare time I worked tirelessly, on perfecting my singing, acting, and dancing abilities. Practicing my art in every way I could.

Starting at age twelve, I even started planning how I would get from my little, middle of nowhere New Hampshire town, to the big apple! 

I saved every dime I made from babysitting, and then from working at a summer camp. I had my future set! 

I even went as far as working my ass off in high school earning my degree in art via correspondence, because I knew I needed a back up plan to make money as I toiled away at auditions. 

It came to a point, where, like most dreams, a choice had to be made. 

When I learned I may never be a mother, unless, I tried soon I needed to make a decision. 

I was already engaged to be married (eventually) and I insisted on being married before I got pregnant.  So we chose to move our wedding to just about a week after my twentieth birthday, so that we could try to make a baby. 

Well, the doctors were amazed when, I conceived a baby on my honeymoon. forty three weeks later, my beautiful son arrived. Again they said, now it really won't happen again, cherish your son he is a miracle. A miscarriage followed, but then a beautiful baby girl nineteen months later. 

Again, I was told, your body cannot do this anymore, it is impossible. You have one of each, be happy, and appreciate what you have. A few more miscarriages, a lot of heartbreak, and a cancer diagnoses later, I found I was expecting again, even with the cancer. The doctors by this point, must have figured I was just showing off, and proving them all wrong time and again. I wasn't going to let anything stop me, not even impending death! 

I am now done having children, thanks in large part to a partial hysterectomy. I did however make one of my dreams come true, and nobody can take it away from me. I succeeded in becoming, and being a Mommy, to three amazing little people! I wouldn't change my decision for anything, however, there are times when I sit and wonder, what could have been. 

Peace and Love,

B