Switching Between Two

I doubt this will interest anyone, but I feel the need to let these thoughts flow out of me. 

I used to be the sweet, good natured girl that everyone walked all over. Everyone liked that girl, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Life happened though, and that girl got encased in a shell.

To an extent I know how I come across to people. I know that some people do not like that I will say whats on my mind. Some people love it. 

I was told the other day that someone mentioned that I was likable, but that they wouldn't want to mess with, ever! The wise person who told me this said that they never thought they would hear that said about me, but that they knew that I changed for good reason.

I have grown this hard outer shell in order to avoid getting hurt. Because unfortunately I have been hurt over and over, in every way imaginable. 

I have developed in myself a defense mechanism, that I cannot say that I like. I didn't even realize I had acquired this until very recently. What I do is, I disallow myself too much attachment to others. I realize I don't just keep people at an arms length, I keep them at a football field length. I rationalize this by saying to myself "Bon, don't get too attached, don't let them in, they are going to hurt you eventually." As I said, I do not like that I do this. I want to stop doing this. I have reason to want to stop, I just don't exactly know how. 

I also imagine the worst scenario happening when I feel I am getting too close to someone, or letting them in. I invent this little scenario in my head, like "Well I am going to let them in and they will leave, or find something better (there are plenty of things way better), or hurt me." I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't think the worst of people, or put the mistakes of others on these people. 

I think the reason I am just now realizing that I do this, is because I see that I am doing it right now. The old me, the nice girl encased in the shell, sees this great person right in front of her, I want to be able to get closer.... but, the defense mechanism kicks in and I am keeping them away. Not pushing away, but keeping my distance. 

I realized yesterday that I missed this person, which surprised me. I do not let myself miss anyone besides my kids. Maybe... I am finding a balance. I hope so, even if it just with one person.  If anyone has any thoughts on this, let me know. I love feedback, and I would love to know how to soften my soul. 

Peace and Love

B