Worthless

I am doing this whole blogging thing to get out some stuff before I explode.

So.... My biggest problem is that I am worthless.

Yes you read that correctly.

To everyone, but my kids, and they only need me because they are small children. There will come a time when they also realize I am worthless and want nothing to do with me.

I told someone tonight "I have always been the stupid one" and was told "No you just get overwhelmed"

That is how some people like to describe me.... Overwhelmed. I am not overwhelmed. If I was, so what what, I have three young children, can't find a damn job, and am the throws of a nasty divorce by and abusive man, who still uses our children to control my life, and get to spend my days taking care of my kids, and cleaning, and doing laundry. I don't currently have a damn pot to piss in, so I do what I have to do, not for me, because, I don't give a shit about me, but for my kids.  

My entire life, I have never felt I was worth the dog shit under someones shoes. Honestly, nobody has ever treated me as if I was worth anything to them. I am disposable. I always have been to everyone. Just throw me out like yesterdays news, she wasn't of much use anyways. 

 

For this reason, and this reason only, I think about not existing anymore. Sure my kids would notice, because they need me for a few more years. Nobody else would. I bring nothing into the world. I have never even been particularly good at anything, other than making really cute kids, but I can't even do that anymore. My purpose on this planet has been fulfilled.

I get asked for advice just to be told, that was not what they wanted to hear, or not exactly what they were looking for. No man will ever love me. I have and will never be the daughter my parents had hoped I would be. I was obviously the worst wife in the world if he had to cheat on my all the time and hit me. I must be untrustworthy if my ex had to go crazy over anyone I talked to. On top of it all, I can't even earn a dime. 

What use am I to anyone?